Living in the flesh

Today I had a 7-mile run and it was absolutely awesome.  There are so many things that were awesome about it but the best of these was committing to pray for 7 miles.  That was probably the most rewarding factor.  In praying I was able to run for 6 miles without stopping or walking.  That is my furthest distance yet.  By praying, even when I hit a wall, I was able to overcome it.   I decided to let my soul, not my flesh, run and wow was it powerful!!  I talked to God and Jesus about so many things.  Particularly the case for homosexuality which has troubled me heart lately and for so long now.  I developed some great knowledge on it.

I read an article today about a christian man urging people to pray to God about homosexuality in order to find the answer they seek.  It sounds silly enough not to think that I have never prayed about it.  I only looked to books, personal experience of mine and of the people around me, and the bible.  In my search to find the truth about whether or not it is natural and acceptable to be gay, I never thought I pray about it.  Sure, I have asked God before how is it that the beautiful human beings I have met and called friends in my life are evil because they are gay?  The answer I kinda got was that we are all made in God's image and that everything good and perfect comes from God.  Some of these people are the most giving and earnest human beings I have ever met in my life so obviously, they come from God too and Jesus says we should love everyone unconditionally.

How is it then that some Christians just don't get this?  I was to the point lately where I didn't want to be apart of a group of people who were filled with so much judgement and hate yet called them selves Christians.  It definitely affected my walk with God in a bad way.  I have never felt that I couldn't worship and love God and go around believing that LGBT people are doing nothing wrong, however it is contradictory to label myself as a christian  and do such.  Thus, I have abandoned that label for that reason and many others.  Well, for that reason and because I also don't like labels.  I don't like limitation. I like freedom and space.  Openness.  Even though I accept LGBT people there is something about that group that I discovered today that rubs me the wrong way.

I read another article today by a so-called former gay person (I kinda doubt the former part) that talked about how being Gay keeps you from God's truth and the kingdom of Heaven that lies within because of the promiscuity and lust involved.  It was the first time I actually agreed a bit with an argument on how homosexually can be detrimental.  However, I don't think it is a person's sexual preference that is the problem, I think it is the lust.  And lust is something we are all affected by.  When some people come out, they go on sort of a fucking spree.  I don't think it's any different from straight people hooking up but unfortunately I think fornication within the LGBT community is overdone.  I am sure LGBTs want to fall in love as much as the next person but from what I have seen from most of my friends, they have way more random sexual encounters than the straight people.  This oversexed image does nothing positive for the gay community and that is the one of the reasons why people so quickly sexualize LGBT people and call it a lifestyle and choice, rather than nature.

In thinking about my gay friends, I thought about how many of them are truly happy with who they are and the truth is, not many.  Most of them are pretty promiscuous too and most of people I know who are promiscuous, straight or gay, are not happy.  They are living in the flesh as I like to call it and that does not lead to the road to happiness.  Lust keeps you from a closer walk with your soul.  It keeps you from loving yourself and others fully.  It limits your life and can guarantee a trip back to Earth school until you learn not to live in the flesh.  It tunes out your soul, the universe, and God.  How can you find happiness while being shut off from those things?  The truth is that you can't.

What is living in the flesh exactly?  Well, living in the flesh is only doing things that are pleasing to the flesh.  Now, that is a very broad definition and not all instances of living in the flesh will damn your soul.  The seven deadly sins kinda come to mind when I think of this: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.  When you give these things placement in your life, they take you further from God. You suffer and become depressed.  Your soul becomes dormant and you fall into these things deeper because you are constantly searching to feel something.  Those things are easy to feel so we desire them and eventually look for love in them.  Most people who have given in to lust are looking for love in some form but don't realize they will never find it that way.  





I discovered all this on my run today and thought about the immediate lustful reward from sexual encounters.  So, I began to think of something that I love and sort of lust for: yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  Now, please don't be insulted too soon that I compare cake to sexual lust.  Just hear me out first.  Now I love some cake.  As an over taster, it surprises me everyday that I can tolerate such a sweet treat.  (An over taster is someone with sensitive taste buds.  It caused me not to eat when I was kid because food was too exciting in my mouth.  I passed out a lot and skipped many meals.  Glad to have a better relationship with food these days.) Now, I could probably eat a whole cake and I am not even a big eater.  Just give me a cold glass of 2% milk and call it a day!  


Now, cake has consequences as good as it is.   It is one of my positive food memories and emotional foods.  Cake is always associated with happy times so not only does it taste great for me, it makes me feel good too.  But if I have too much cake, I jeopardize my health.  Cake has little nutritional value, too much sugar, and will pack on the pounds quickly if you have too much of it.  I have gone through times where I have eaten cake everyday.  Those were stressful times.  I don't get too exotic with cake either.  I don't need fruit on it and chocolate chocolate cake is only good after a few bites for me and then its overwhelming.   I willing admit that sometimes I lust for it.  I have lusted for cake and sex and so I began to compare the two and well, I probably would choose cake over sex most of the time the freak that I am.


Is it a terrible sin to lust for cake?  Probably not.  The lusting is bad but is cake the devil?  Hell no!  Would I think it terrible to eat cake every now and again?  Sure, moderation is the key in my mind when it comes to such a tasty treat.  Does cake speak to my flesh or my soul?  It definitely speaks to me flesh and it's one fleshy treat I am not ready to give up!  Could my desire to eat cake ever hurt someone?  Well, it depends on how far your imagination can go.  I could steal a ten-year-old's birthday cake and eat it in his face. That might hurt.  But in the end, the cake only affects me and I make a grown up decision about it.  


What does this have to do with homosexuality?  Well, the lust that we experience can be compared to having too much cake.  At some point, if I eat too much cake, I put it before my soul/self love/God's love/etc.  I get why some people go on fucking sprees the moment they are let loose.  They finally want to feel good after feeling bad for so long and lust is an easy way to do it and maybe the most efficient.  At some point, however, one must come out of lustful days and live through the soul.  People will soon see how unhappy the lust was making them and try to find their way to their soul's light.  


I have a gay friend who is going through that right now.  He use to be a devout christian and struggled with his sexual preference.  When he finally decided to give in to the urges inside of him, he had his play time.   He stuck his penis in many holes and probably vice versa.  Unfortunately he saw no place in the christian world for his soul as those around him told him he was damned.  He has tried many times to deny this side of who he is but it has proven impossible, unhealthy, and sometimes deadly.  How can he find the balance of continuing his walk with God and believing in what his christian bible says about who he is?  They truth is that the lust has taken him further from his walk with God, not his homosexuality.  He has not seen this yet and is still struggling.  He doesn't realize that he can be who he is and God will love him none-the-less.  He has to stop living in the flesh and start living in the soul!  That is when his life will have meaning and he will find his true path.


How can we deny the flesh?  Hmmm, this is where things get tricky because while living the flesh has it's downfalls, it also teaches us soul lessons.  I understand why some Christians get fearful of the fate of LGBTs especially when they are related to them.  It is scary to think that the souls of those we love and care about would burn in hell.  Then again, that is some foolish ass thinking as hell does not exist.  Also, there is a saying that goes, and they'll know we are Christians by our love.  Well, the minute you stop loving is the minute you abandon your faith.  I haven't seen many christian approaches in the media to welcoming LGBTs as divine children of God.  Just some hate mongering.  That shit really burns me.  


I don't have the final say so in the fate of someone else's soul as we are all deciders of our own destiny.  If I have some knowledge that may help another soul out, of course I will share it.  But I will share it without judgement and ridicule.  I will share it out of love.  That is what God wants me to do.  He wants to share what I know, what I feel.  I have always been gifted in that area but never knew how to do.  I am to show love, God's love.  I am to share my knowledge in a loving way to help another soul follow his/her own path.  I feel like a lot of my gay friends have abandoned their souls out of fear.  They have been told that God hates them but the words "God hates" are not meant to be written together because God only loves.  I want to be a voice for people who have felt unloved.  I want to let people know that when you love yourself, doors will open for you.  You will open those doors.  


And what about the atheists?  Well, in this lifetime, they have chosen an interesting path and it is not for me to say they are right or wrong.  Their souls know what is true and right in the universe and they have soul lessons to learn in this lifetime through the path they have chosen in the same way I have chosen my path.  They still have love from me and I still have love and knowledge for them.  God bless.  

What is it with men and house chores?

Hello there!  Just got back from Korea and I am absolutely in love with that country!  Can't wait to get back.  But just like coming back from any other trip, I came home to find my house not as clean as I would like it to be.  It is sooo irritating and I am over it.

I am wondering if my husband and I have different ideas about cleaning.  I believe there is something to be cleaned in a house everyday and he doesn't.  The bathroom is dirty and it's his turn to clean it.  He has somehow been showering and hasn't noticed the drain flooding again.  There is dirty laundry.  Things are out of order.  And the worse part was finding a moldy towel in the sink.  Am I this picky because I am a girl or because he is a guy?

Which brings me to the next issue.  I am tired of society raising men to be this way.  I think that the old image of the wife taking care of the home solely is outdated, unfair, and overrated.  Men typically put meat on the table and secure a place to dwell.  I have seen things that way in my country and while every couple is different, that was how things were everywhere.  I have seen it in my husband's country as well, yet my husband's parents for the most part seem to have things worked out pretty well after 30+ years of marriage.  I assumed that in Korea I would only see Hye Sung's mom taking care of the home but one day when she was out, her dad was preparing breakfast and he seemed to know his way well around the kitchen.  I was pleasantly surprised.

This brings me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what society says about gender roles in the home or cultural norms and expectations.  Each couple has a choice in how daily living tasks are going to be executed.  I am sure in the beginning it might have been frustrating for those couples but that after years and years of marriage, they were able to work out a system.  I want my system not damn it!

Right now, I have the task of providing the meat, and in our case veggies, and the shelter and I don't mind that.  I suppose there was an expectation for him to realize that since he is home more, most of the home care responsibility falls on him.  I mean, it just seems logical.  However, since I believe in partnership I think we should share responsibilities therefore I take part in the home care too.  The issue is that I am better at cleaning and believe things should be kept a certain way.  Also, in the end I do more cleaning than he does which doesn't seem fair to me since I bring in the bacon.  I mean, if he paid some of the bills or all of them, things would be different.

I, too, it seems has fallen into the stereotypical make up of a home on most occasions but I don't blame the culture for that. I blame myself because if I were in his shoes, the house wouldn't be in this condition.   I feel like, if I can do it, so can you.  I mean, cleaning is not hard.  I find it fun and stress relieving most of the time.  And then after things are cleaned you are free to enjoy a clean area.  Also, I think since I have a better standard for cleaning what he does is not good enough.  Is that because I am woman?  I am not sure.  Sure as hell wasn't raised in a typical home and my mom was not a good housekeeper.

Lately, he has been doing great with his chores, better than he was in the beginning and I am grateful.  Yet once again, he is another area that is just not good enough for me when it comes to my husband.  Honestly, I am tired of having to hold his hand through things.  Things that I feel most people should grasp on their own.  Could it be that he is so evolved in so many other areas that its little things like this in life that he needs to grow in?  If the shoe were on the other foot, he definitely wouldn't get so frustrated with me.  We both confessed that we are tired of having this argument. I hope this is the last time.  In fact, I am creating it as the last time.

Konichi Wa

I am blogging from the Tokyo Narita airport in Japan.  I have never been across any ocean before so this is great and exciting!  I have just a few minutes before my flight departs for Seoul, Korea.  I am going to Korea to see my old roommate get married.  I am really happy for her even though she has failed to share a lot of details with me about this guy.  I am sure he is a nice guy...he better be or some ass kicking will be in order!

So anywho, I decided to write this short blog because I wanted to express feeling I felt amongst the Japanese people, even tough I am just in the airport.   Maybe it's because I am in the airport and not outside that I feel this way.  Anywho, I don't feel like a foreigner.  I don't feel overwhelmed.  I don't feel like that since I don't speak a lick of Japanese intimidated at all.  I feel more intimidated amongst Dominicans and I speak Spanish.  Part of me wants to attribute this to my cocky American blood.

I realized today sitting on the plane how fortunate I am to have been born in the USA.  I can go absolutely anywhere I want to in this world.  It doesn't even matter that I am a woman or that I am black.  I feel a weird since of, I only speak English and I don't give a shit that you don't.  This is a very strange feeling and very unlike who I am.  (Shit, someone just sneezed and I say Bless you.  Like she understands or is it even customary???  It is my instinct to say that after anyone sneezing so I won't think too much on that.)

I am a very open person.  I love other cultures and relish in getting to know them.  I think Japanese people are so cool and they have such a rich history on this earth.  I really respect the people and their history.  I don't at all feel like I am a woman or that I am black right now sitting among them (although, I am at the gate for Korea).  I just feel human.  Maybe it's because I haven't gone in the streets but I really don't feel too intimidated right now.  Maybe when I leave the comfort zone of this airport and go to a place where no one speak English it will hit me.

Strange things are happening; August 13, 2011

Another wonderful day!  I am so blessed and thankful for many things.  Today was the longest distance I have had to run yet and well….I did great!  I was even able to pull a 7-minute mile out of my ass.  The only thing beating me down today during my run was the sun.  It was absolutely too hot and I started running too quickly for that type of weather.  In the end I walked and ran 6 miles in about one hour and twenty-five minutes! That is another personal best!  I am sooo elated.  I also registered for the half marathon officially today and that is also wonderful news!  Thanks to Cookie of course! 

In other news, one of our neighbors got robbed.  Someone busted down their door and stole two TVs.  It’s pretty disgusting and I feel terrible that they had to experience that situation.   For some reason, they passed up our apartment and headed to the second floor.  I have never been so thankful for having a furniture-less living room before, lol.  We also don’t own any televisions!  I imagine the person who got into our house had sized it up already and saw we didn’t have anything.  The only thing the thieves did was rip out intercom off of our wall (this was months ago by the way).  It was a very strange incidence. 

Perhaps big sister and her husband will stop by this evening to pasar tiempo with Luis and I.  I start a trip tomorrow so I have to leave early in the morning.  Right now I need to do laundry, make food for my trip, and pack.  I wish I didn’t have to be concerned about other things like being married.  It is times like these that I wish I were alone.  Isn’t that a strange thing?  The moments when I am happy and feel balanced, I would rather be by myself. 

I was reading an article in The Daily Love about how when we get upset with other people, the source is normally an insecurity we may have about the situation.  Getting upset with my husband is some sort of insecurity of mine according to the article.  How can I have so much joy when alone and then be so irritated when he comes around?  What is it about him that is possible a mirror into my insecurities?  At times he has seemed to lack responsibility, be lazy, not eating well, not exercising, disorganized, not planning things properly, not brushing his teeth often enough, not working, not cleaning well enough, and staying glued to the laptop.  I don’t seem to have those problems consistently.  Of course I do some of those things but not all the time. 

I am not the type of person to think or feel that just because I do it, others should be able to do it too…at least not for everything.  I accept him as an individual but he comes up short for me.  What could I possibly be insecure about?  I know that I am having a hard time having faith in him.  I was reading this book about love languages and I confirmed that it’s not saying you love someone, it’s showing it that does it for me.  I know that he loves me and he shows me often but when he doesn’t love himself or participate in doing tasks around the house, I feel like he is inactively loving and I find seeing him sit on his ass unattractive. 

I just read over those things that bother me about him and I see that if I didn’t do those things myself, I would be unhappy with myself.  Perhaps I am projecting those feelings on him a bit.  I keep telling myself in the end, I just want him to be happy and love himself. I feel like he has spent his whole life loving himself in the wrong way and at times not at all.  I recognize as I write this that I am venting, not creating.  Just want to make that clear for the universe.  Now that I have gotten that out, here is what is, what I want, what is now, etc.

My husband is healthy!  He cares about working out and eating well!  He chews his food and is conscious of his digestive process.  He prays and meditates.  He has joy and abundance!  He loves who he is!  He is situationally aware and thinks ahead.  He too will start to train for marathon running and we are going to be that hot sexy couple you see riding bikes along the shore.  I am sooo grateful for his new job!  He is in love with his new position and is proud of himself.  He has his driver’s license and a new car.  He travels to anywhere he wants to go.  He is a sex god!!!!!  He buys me nice things on special days and surprises me too!  I love him and he loves me and we continue to show it everyday!

Family Matters

On August 6, 2011 the internet at my house was not working well.  I spent most of my day unplugged which was nice but eventually logged on to Facebook in my normal zombie like way.  I was quite shocked to see the following two comment posted on my page at ten minutes apart. 

Dear not talking to family or should I say me your mom and Cory u took the time to write u should have just did it in person u are trying to be doctor Phil and Oprah we DON'T need intervention why all 5 of u all are GROWN 2 are married 1has 3 kids the raising part is over we can listen but can't make up your mind for u so not talking to us is not hurting us at all the sun still shines an the moon is still bright.

Pull your head out your ASS and get over it TRACIE the world DON'T evolve around u us got married with out are blessing but felt guilty an called your mom I think u are the 1 that needs INTERVENTION but will see soon in person to talk face to face.

Wow, seems like I really pissed someone off.  And not just anyone but my step father.  I was disappointed, hurt, shocked, angry, surprised, and sad when I first read it.  Puzzled as to who in their right mind, who knows me, would write such a thing on anyone’s wall.  I do not do facebook drama or drama in any other form.  These statements were embarrassing and hurtful.  I just couldn’t figure out why.  What was his motive?  Did my actions really justify such a response from him?  What did he hope to accomplish?

After being enraged on the phone with baby sister for a bit, I later saw that in this the universe has given what I wanted…in a very interesting way mind you.  I have been asking for communication with my family.  At the end of the second comment, he does say we will talk face to face.   After realizing I had received what I wanted from the universe, I felt peace and joy.  I chose not to respond to the comment.  I am taking the peaceful approach.  I immediately thought of the biblical saying, no weapon formed against me would prosper. 

I also firmly believe and have faith in the fact that God/Universe will never give you more than you can handle.  Even in the midst of your storm; the storm exists to shake your soul and make it stronger.  When doing PTW I received criticism and negativity in a way I had never seen before.  It made me strong.  I don’t let people outside of my life hurt me.   I don’t allow that.  However, when family criticizes you and is a source of negativity in your life, it weighs down on you more heavily.  Why?  Because it’s your family.  We are raised to love them no matter what.  We are brainwashed with the saying that blood is ticker than water.  

If other people through sticks and stones, you family has the ability to shoot AK47s your way.  They are connected to you on such a personal level.  They know things about you that other people don’t know.  Your mistakes.  Your shortcomings.   They know how to hit you below the belt.  They know some of your secrets and the right things to do to make you tick.  My family has always had a way of hitting below the belt as a defense mechanism and I have never enjoyed this nor liked participating in it.  There were times however when the bullying and name calling got on my nerves enough to show the attacker a piece of their own medicine.  In the end however, I have always been the peacemaker.  I will always be the peace maker and I don’t plan on changing it. 

My step dad learned the ropes by joining our family and in those comments he did not hesitate to try to hit me where it hurts.  Understanding this and knowing things about his soul, I chose to leave the comments on the wall knowing that he would soon see the error in his ways.  I wrote letters to my mom, grandma, step dad, and big brother to share some of my feelings with them, reassure them of my intentions in our relationship from now on, place myself and a resource for them, and to tell them I love them. 

I chose not to speak to them for several reasons.  One, I was too emotionally wound up to put my ego aside and let my soul speak and connect.  I knew that I lacked a bit of control and needed time to deal with my emotions.  I am famous in my family for speaking too emotionally to the point of crying in which they stop listening to me.  I know them and myself pretty well in that area.  Two, I felt like I didn’t have much nice to say nor did I exactly know what I wanted to say in the first place.  Three, the last time I spoke with my step dad he cursed me out and my mom had a yelling match with me as well.  It was clear to me that speaking to them wouldn’t gain much ground nor be a peaceful occasion.  Four, I needed to give them and me some time to cool down from the family meeting fiasco.

I have recently entertained being a life coach and starting an all around health magazine with the fish.  However, I can’t get pass the idea that if I can’t help my family, who can I help???

My Step dad has since apologized for what he did.  This is what he wrote on my wall:

I am very sorry I wrote that on fb.FB should never be use for that lesson learn learn lesson for life I know forgiveness is some where around the corner I can sk u for forgiveness again I AM TRULY SORRY I NEVER WANT TO HURT U TRA-TRA.

I knew that he would come around to seeing the error in his ways.  Now that he has apologized, I am going to have to pay a visit to the mothership landing to sort things out with my family once and for all.  Ideally, it would have been nice to do that before leaving for work but thus, I got in the way.  All in all, peace and new beginnings are just around the corner!  Success!

I am a runner!

Yes, I am a runner!  This entire time I have been wondering what the difference is between a runner and a jogger.  I thought there must be a set mph you have to run/jog at to be considered either.  I felt like a runner the last time I wogged but I still thought I needed to meet some standard.  I decided to google the difference between the two today and found some interesting results.

Apparently, jogging started as as term used in Britain in the 1700's to describe individuals who would go on brisk walks. It wasn't defined by a pace, goal, or distance.  It was more like leisurely walking at a somewhat fast pace but just walking.  In the 1960's and 1970's the definition of jogging seemed to take on the definition of recreational running for fitness without competition, distance, pace, or goals.  Jogging was less serious and less arduous than running.  It was just something to describe getting in shape.  These days it seems the line as been clearly drawn between the runners and the joggers.  Running is tagged as more of a competitive activity be it competition with others, yourself, or a cause.

There are some people who even draw the line at a certain pace when jogging.  I, myself, before having googled it assumed that anything over 5mph had to be running because it felt like it to me.  Professional runners and athletes have drawn the line at 6mph, 8mph, or even 10mph!  Some people have said it is an an 8-minute mile (and here I was proud of myself for getting to a 12-minute mile...).   From what I am seeing for the most part, anything above a 10 minute mile is a considered running.  Some runners even get offended when someone says they are jogging.  Jogging has been made out to be some pansy activity to describe people are not serious enough about running.

Some Doctor named George Sheehan, a running expert and professional, has a famous quote that says, the difference between runners and joggers is a race number.  I like this guy's way of thinking.  Why should joggers feel any less serious or active because they don't meet someone's standard of running?  In fact, it turns out that most runners have their own idea about the difference between running and jogging and there is no official difference between the two from any organization.   I understand why runners feel this, especially after all the hard work, intense training, time and money invested, etc.  And sure, you have to run at some sort of great pace to be considered an Olympic athlete but it is not the goal of every runner to reach such a status.  I see the reason for a desire to clearly want to draw a line in the sand, I am just not sure if it's the most encouraging and welcoming method out there.

I wondered at what distance, at what pace, would I be able to stamp myself as a runner.  The truth is a felt like a runner earlier this week and in seeking confirmation on the internet for this, I discovered something even bigger.  I discovered that when a person feels like a runner, that person is a runner.  There is no one out there that needs to tell you that you are that you are not.  The elitist runner community will burn the same amount of calories as someone who walks or jogs the same distance.  Meaning, you can complete your marathon in 3 hours or 10 hours.  The point is, you both did the same thing.  Sure, those lower times are pretty impressive.  Those people set a standard for running.  They olympians and supreme athletes.  They should be respected and admired in the way same other runners are respected.  They should be admired but not the end all of running and jogging differences.

I felt so great about my run today.  I didn't even run into a wall which I thought would happen every time during running.  I felt like I could keep going.  I thought, if today were the half marathon I could do it!  Lol, well, I am truthfully far from that but I didn't have anything blocking me.  I didn't have me blocking me.  Today was also the first time I ran while listening to music.  I chose Led Zeppelin and Van Halen because I thought, good running music, intense but not overwhelming, and well, easy listening.  I got into every song.  Those songs are so long too that it made time go by!  Whenever I am on a treadmill, I cover my time and distance with a towel.  For some reason, it's too mentally distracting for me.  I just like to go and don't like to put pressure on myself to get to the next minute, speed level, incline, or mile.

Today was different though.  I didn't look at my time for the first three miles but after that, I didn't seem to care.  I didn't feel the normal pressure I feel when I see my time and distance.  It was a great feeling!  I learned so much!  There is something amazing about saying I am runner.  It makes me feel like no distance is too great, no speed is too slow or too fast, no pain is too mild or too intense.  Sweating glory.  Uphill is power.  Breathing is living.  Running is a wonderful mind, body, and soul activity that I excited to take part in at this time in my life.  Running is free!  It is exactly what I need and want.  Today I ran.  Today I am a runner!

The Universe works quickly!

Ok, so you know that The Secret has been changing my life. I have requested and thanked the Universe for so many things and I am so filled right now.  I have asked for things not just for myself but for those that I love.  I have felt that my way of living my life now would be too far fetched for some people to understand and without negative judgement.  However, my sister, who I thought was too focused on "The Good Book" to explore other things, surprised me this morning with a very deep spiritually open conversation.  She is heading in the same direction as I am with loving myself and taking advantage of God's wonderful gifts to us, especially the gift of asking for whatever we want and need.

My sister and I were best friends when we were kids.  Unfortunately, at times we neglected our baby sister. I am happy to say those days are over and we are all very close and understanding of each other.  I have always found it easy to talk to my sister.  When big sister got into high school and got into boys, we kinda separated because I wasn't into boys yet.  My sister is married with three children.  For the past few years, she and her husband have had some marital issues and are really struggling right now to show love to each other, partly because they haven't loved themselves properly first.  The ironic part is even though she has been with her husband longer and has children, we are both having the same issue with our men: they don't seem to want to love themselves.

When you love yourself, you take care of yourself mind, body and soul.  I admit I haven't always loved myself well in the past but that is all I want now.  I love me.  For the first time ever, I can say I truly love me.  Every part of me.  I am getting to know myself just as I would get to know someone else if I were falling in love with them.  It is a really good feeling to experience and a great place to be in.  My sister is in the same place now too and that makes me feel sooo much joy!  Now we just need to get baby sister on this page and we will all be more dynamic than we have ever been in our lives!!!  The universe, God, is commanding us to fulfill our paths and use our gifts.  I use to be afraid of that because I have always known that I was meant to impact the lives of many people.  I felt too stressed, too much pressure, not good enough, unworthy.  I feel the exact opposite of that now.  Fear is turned immediately into a motivator!

Anywho, I just wanted to share the wonderful experience I had with my sister this morning.  And well, I don't want anyone to think that I have much against the bible or christianity. I called it the good book for a reason.  The bible can be a wonderful spiritual guide if we use it just for that and not a literal text and man-altered translation that seeks to hurt and destroy people.  Christ's teachings are about love.  Loving yourself, loving your friends and family, and even loving your enemies. I just read some profound in The Daily Love.  "There is a major difference between trying to prove your love and simply sharing your love."  Those words are so enlightening for me.  If I feel so filled with love, don't I have more than enough to share?  Especially with my husband?  is there a bit of hesitation to share this love because I was fragile in the past?   Perhaps so.  I will share this with my sister and we will both continue to pray for our husbands and wish wonderful things for them!

Random Blog

I am 30,000 feet up and really sleepy.  Not sure why I feel so tired right now.  I think I got enough sleep last night.  I had  a couple of beers too.  I haven’t drank a  little while, not since staying with The Fish and The assassin.  Yet right now I feel so sleepy.  I think I will try to sleep for the rest of the flight.  I suppose I can take some time to comment on my new way of life.  So far so great!  Everything I want is happening for me.  Lol, even the desire to just get money without working. 

This whole trip has been interesting so far and it’s only day two.  I had a long day of flying yesterday.  We were suppose to end up in Great Falls, Montana for the night but due to a festival in town all the hotels were sold out.  This wouldn’t have normally been an issue  as our rooms are always reserved for us no matter what.  However, there was a crew that deadheaded (a deadhead is when the company pays for your transportation from point A to point B, C. etc.) on our flight in order to work the morning flight from GTF to MSP in the morning.

This crew had had a terrible trip so far with cancellations, extreme delays, weather, and almost 5 hours airport appreciation time (a phrase we like to use in the industry to describe an amount of time crew members have to wait at an airport until their next flight also known as a sit).  All of that can be exhausting! That crew was supposed to arrive in GTF at about 1100 and well, they didin’t get there until about 1800.  Those poor babies.  Since they missed their check-in time, the hotel sold their rooms when they were not supposed to.  The best decision for that crew was to give them our rooms and let the company find us some place else to stay.  It turned out that place to stay was Helena, Montana, about an hour and fifteen minute drive away.  We arrived at our hotel-motel at almost 2300.  I didn’t get to sleep until 0300 or so because I stayed up all night chit chatting with the other flight attendant whom I absolutely adore!

It has been a while since I stayed up talking to someone.  It was really nice talking to this flight attendant the other night.  I have created a vault for him in my mind so I won’t divulge his name here.  He has had such a filled life.  He has been all over the world, he is a talented dancer, he is theologian, he has been a stripper, and he has been in the airline industry for over many years.  He grew up in a very strict Christian home and this was very awkward for him since he is by nature gay.  He was ashamed of this part of him and he asked God many time to take it away. He is suicidal and the type and amount of a prescription drugs he takes concerns me.  Eventually, he truly began to be who he is and he found no place in the Christian society or his family for his new way of living. 

I often wonder what is it like to grow up under such limitation and oppression.  My heart always goes out to people in such situations as my mother made it clear that if I were attracted to the same sex, she wouldn’t love me any less.  Yet there are some people in the world who abandon and abuse their children for such a thing and it’s so heartbreaking.  You would think the Christians, who are supposed to preach a message of unconditional love, forgiveness, kindness, and non-judgment would be the first group of people to stand up for the homosexual community.  It is in fact this group of people who are the loudest voices against the community.  I don’t call myself a Christian for that reason and many others. 

When being who you are makes you want to kill yourself because you feel like it won’t be accepted by society then you need to first, get help and second, find a community that is loving and supportive of you.  Now when I say being who you are, if you feel like you are natural pedophile then this definitely does not apply to you.  I do my darndest to avoid judging and damning people but the pedophiles are the exception to this.  They can fucking burn in hell.  I don't see any natural reason to have a sexual relationship with a child.  Children are innocent and pure and to sexualize them is the worse atrocity in this world.  If you feel a natural urge to have a sexual relationship with a child, seek help fast.

However, if you are naturally attracted to the same sex you should not have to deal with societies bs about how you want to live and being who you are.  Being LGBT does not directly harm the life of another human being.  I know what the Christian bible says about gay people but it also says that I should not be writing this blog and instead still in chains serving a master.   What makes one historically relevant but expired, wrong, and unneeded bible rule more important than another?  It is fear and past live residual experiences that cause people to speak out so negatively about homosexuality.  

It is also the perverted minds of many of these people who sexualize everything.  It reminds me of how some people say they prefer pubic hair because it clearly identifies you as an adult.  What??  You mean to tell my because I like my pussy clean shaven it reminds you of child?  I discovered some people felt that way and it kinda disgusts me that their minds come to such conclusions.  I just like my pussy hairless because it feels better to me.  I never thought, I want my pussy to look like it was when I was kid.  But that is how some people’s sick as minds work and it is that kind of ignorant thinking that leads to anti-homosexuality behavior.  That analogy may seem too simple for some and way in left field for other's. To each it's own.

Here I am working with this beautiful human being who is afraid to come out because of the fear he feels in his heart.  my advice for him was to take the bull by the horns and live your life.  It's the only one you know now and you have to make the best of it.