I didn't go to my mother's house. I didn't want to. I wanted to be with CIC. I had a great time with him. His energy is so good for me. Even when I want to push him away his energy evens me out. I want to get use to him being around.
Another issue came up with an apartment lease, this time with my sister. I sublet an apartment with my sister in Chicago and we followed all the proper procedures. At some point after the lease was over, my sister stopped paying the rent and now this company is trying to get the money from me. They have no case, just like that other situation (where my ex boyfriend forged my signature on an apartment lease and didn't pay the rent). I just want it to be over and done with quickly. I want justice to be served. That place had shitty management and now the owner is trying to squeeze something out of me. The messed up part is that they don't have any paperwork. None.
I'm going to Bali in December on a spiritual retreat with my mentor Mastin. I haven't spoken to him in a few years. He got so busy and well, so did I. I am excited to finally meet him and have him tell me about myself. And well, I'd be delighted to tell him about himself too. This trip is costing around $10,000 but I am not attached to that price. I know this is where I am supposed to be and that god will work it all out.
I am moving to Los Angeles next month. I am scared. Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited. I wouldn't describe this as excitement. I am moving in with two people that I love but it still bothers me. There is so much that still needs to be taken care of. I need to change addresses in so many places. Better make that list. Why do I move around so much?
I barely made it out of MCI today in time for my yoga class but I did. I asked god to help me out and he did. I made a decision to be here. I am seeing the ability to create become stronger the more I stay focused on what's in front of me. I have this foolish idea that there won't be any hurdles in the way and no one to speak against me and try to taint my name as I become famous. What a silly child I am! I have to be careful about my circle. I have to make sure I do everything on the up and up. My hard work and integrity are going to propel me toward my dreams. I have to keep god close. This is my mission and his will.
Soul lessons can be exhausting. It truly is a helpful mentality and blessing to be able to see everything as a soul lesson but damn, lately soul lessons are falling from the sky and I am overwhelmed. I know this is all preparation, just like Sparkles said. Everything that I am going through now is preparing me for something. That's the way it's always been in my life and I suppose in everyone else's lives. If we just sit back and observe it all we can learn from it, apply it, and release it.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Choosing Not To Be There
Today is my mother's 50th birthday and I am at an airport right now choosing to go see my boyfriend instead of my mother.
I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.
Why am I going to see my boyfriend?
I miss him. I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.
Why am I not going to see my mother?
The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is. For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs. One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction. In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call. I think my mother is more important to me than my job. Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.
Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her. It's her birthday. That would mean so much to her. She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.
I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?
It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them. I don't miss my mother. I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.
Where is the line? Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family! That makes it ok, right?
Well, I don't think it's alright for me. I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me. I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs. It pisses me off that they choose to live this way. It doesn't bother them. Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out. I've been there before.
I am not judging them. Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad. This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it. I know all they will see is that I am not there. All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there. It hurts. I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.
I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there. I did bring the bug spray. I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day. CIC will understand. But those damn bugs make me sick...
I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.
Why am I going to see my boyfriend?
I miss him. I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.
Why am I not going to see my mother?
The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is. For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs. One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction. In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call. I think my mother is more important to me than my job. Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.
Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her. It's her birthday. That would mean so much to her. She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.
I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?
It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them. I don't miss my mother. I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.
Where is the line? Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family! That makes it ok, right?
Well, I don't think it's alright for me. I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me. I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs. It pisses me off that they choose to live this way. It doesn't bother them. Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out. I've been there before.
I am not judging them. Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad. This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it. I know all they will see is that I am not there. All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there. It hurts. I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.
I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there. I did bring the bug spray. I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day. CIC will understand. But those damn bugs make me sick...
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Lessons from my Grandmother
Yep. My grandmother died a couple weeks ago. Somehow its still doesn't seem real. It hasn't registered. I will miss her. Her lessons. Her Love. Her rolling eyes. Her delicious food (we all know no one cooks like grandma). She died so suddenly. It wasn't expected, at least not for us. I have a feeling though that she knew and that she will reincarnate.
On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking. She said she was going to the rest room and she never came out. My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer. He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor. My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use. Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body. I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.
I hadn't seen my grandmother in months. All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me. I was kinda jealous about that. I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her. I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her. Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago. It was a letter thanking her for all she had done. It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his blessings in her life.
My grandmother had a full life. She lived long enough to see her great grand children. She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money. So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance. I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it. I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.
Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.
Sit up straight
My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us. I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck. We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.
Speak Up!
My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit. She also didn't like slang language. We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house. Yeah was also not very popular. We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking. You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation. We also addressed all adults by miss or mister. She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words. She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.
Trust in God
Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever. Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade. Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again. My grandmother always said to trust in god. He will work things out. I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight. I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the middle of the mess. I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work. Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up. True faith.
I'm too old for a boyfriend
This was one of her last lessons to me. I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him. She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right. I am too old for a boyfriend. That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner. He is my partner. The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now. I wish she could have met him.
Family is Important
Until she died she did what she could for her family. Am I doing all that I can? I am not sure what my family wants me to do. I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it. I always thought she would just be there and she is not. That hurts. This is how I have set up my relationship with my family. I don't see them and they don't see me. I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost. I am having a hard time just being present there.
Don't be scared of it
Excuse my raining face. This one just brought up a lot of emotions. These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad. Boy did I love her potato salad! So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it. She made it with her bare hands. She just mixed the ingredients together that way. I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it." She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed. How else would I know that it was mixed well? It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.
And in this way my grandmother has come back to me. She kisses my mother. She protects my sister. And for me? Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life. Do I want a kiss? Of course! Do I want a light touch or a shadow? Yes! And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her. I want blatancy. That's who I operate, right?
Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.
These lessons and many more are her legacy for me. Now it must incubate. Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch? How do I get off this couch?
Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.
On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking. She said she was going to the rest room and she never came out. My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer. He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor. My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use. Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body. I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.
I hadn't seen my grandmother in months. All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me. I was kinda jealous about that. I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her. I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her. Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago. It was a letter thanking her for all she had done. It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his blessings in her life.
My grandmother had a full life. She lived long enough to see her great grand children. She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money. So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance. I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it. I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.
Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.
Sit up straight
My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us. I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck. We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.
Speak Up!
My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit. She also didn't like slang language. We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house. Yeah was also not very popular. We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking. You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation. We also addressed all adults by miss or mister. She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words. She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.
Trust in God
Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever. Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade. Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again. My grandmother always said to trust in god. He will work things out. I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight. I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the middle of the mess. I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work. Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up. True faith.
I'm too old for a boyfriend
This was one of her last lessons to me. I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him. She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right. I am too old for a boyfriend. That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner. He is my partner. The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now. I wish she could have met him.
Family is Important
Until she died she did what she could for her family. Am I doing all that I can? I am not sure what my family wants me to do. I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it. I always thought she would just be there and she is not. That hurts. This is how I have set up my relationship with my family. I don't see them and they don't see me. I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost. I am having a hard time just being present there.
Don't be scared of it
Excuse my raining face. This one just brought up a lot of emotions. These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad. Boy did I love her potato salad! So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it. She made it with her bare hands. She just mixed the ingredients together that way. I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it." She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed. How else would I know that it was mixed well? It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.
And in this way my grandmother has come back to me. She kisses my mother. She protects my sister. And for me? Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life. Do I want a kiss? Of course! Do I want a light touch or a shadow? Yes! And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her. I want blatancy. That's who I operate, right?
Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.
These lessons and many more are her legacy for me. Now it must incubate. Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch? How do I get off this couch?
Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.
The Sky Is Grey...I'll be safe at home
I am not California dreaming at this point. California is like the bane of my being in this moment. CIC is in Cali. He left me for Cali. He doesn't like Minnesota. But I'm in Minnesota. I didn't get the looks on people's faces when I would tell them he went Cali because he hates the snow. In the back of their minds they were wondering why he would leave me here and how we would make this work. For me, it's not working right now in this moment.
Maybe it never was working. Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it. That hurts. This hurts. When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me. They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!" Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer. This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.
He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days. That hasn't happened. And now he has off days and it hasn't happened. I do more. I do more. I always do more and I am tired of doing more. I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore. I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.
Talk about repeating patterns. It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum. I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up. He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home. I don't feel like LAX is my home. What is there for me? Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.
I don't want any expectations. I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX. Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it. I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.
I feel exhausted lately. My heart beats strangely. I don't know what's going on with me. I just want to lie down for a very long time. I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me. I am setting all this up myself. I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.
I don't have a space there.
Maybe it never was working. Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it. That hurts. This hurts. When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me. They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!" Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer. This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.
He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days. That hasn't happened. And now he has off days and it hasn't happened. I do more. I do more. I always do more and I am tired of doing more. I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore. I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.
Talk about repeating patterns. It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum. I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up. He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home. I don't feel like LAX is my home. What is there for me? Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.
I don't want any expectations. I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX. Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it. I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.
I feel exhausted lately. My heart beats strangely. I don't know what's going on with me. I just want to lie down for a very long time. I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me. I am setting all this up myself. I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.
I don't have a space there.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Runaway
There's a scene in the Knocked Up that I can identify with...well, let's be honest, maybe not just one. It's the moment when Paul Rudd's character is in the hotel room in Vegas and asks Seth Rogan's character, "you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?" He later confesses that the biggest problem in his marriage is that his wife wants him around all the time and it upsets him. Seth Rogan's character then asks him, "you can't believe people love you?" He then goes on to rip apart Paul's character and Paul just falls apart in the chair.
As I was watching this movie it suddenly wasn't funny anymore. I know what that feeling feels like. To not want to be loved. To not want to be around people and to feel a sense of panic around it. I have felt this before and I am feeling it now. I want to runaway from CIC again. Why do I keep getting this feeling? I feel so overwhelmed by his love. I don't want it in this moment. I want to be left alone.
I know this is because we are getting closer to moving in together. For all my problems with my ex's I have to face to fact that I am the one who has always left. CIC does have some fears that I will do that just as I have fears about him cheating on me.
Is this just another attempt to try to cut my loses? To get out before shit gets even more serious and real? Maybe his marriage has been a safety net for me? Maybe if he was actually fully available to me it would freak me out. Maybe that's why I haven't said anything.
I know that going to Emirates would not not be great for our relationship yet I had the thought to do it today just to get it out; maybe have a Maks moment from Dancing with the Start and phone it in.
I give up. I walk away. At least I have in the past. That moment when Paul switches to the other chair is how I feel inside. I want to curl up. I don't think I want to try to shove my hand down my throat but I want the feeling of trying. I just don't want to be around CIC right now. Why? I guess I feel like I have to deal with him. That he will want something from me. In actuality I know the opposite is true. He asks nothing of me. Maybe I am thinking my love won't be good enough for him. Maybe I won't be able to entertain him (especially after having entertained folk all day).
I just feel sad right now and I don't know why. I feel like I have to call him because I should say good night. I just want to rest. I am so tired lately. My body doesn't seem to want to participate in some things. I am frustrated
And now that I have started to cry I wish I could be held by CIC. Hormones maybe. I want fresh air to breathe. Starting to feel that suffocating feeling. Now what?
Sometimes it's hard to drop your old habits. I have a habit of running away. I can't runaway from myself. He always makes me face myself.
As I was watching this movie it suddenly wasn't funny anymore. I know what that feeling feels like. To not want to be loved. To not want to be around people and to feel a sense of panic around it. I have felt this before and I am feeling it now. I want to runaway from CIC again. Why do I keep getting this feeling? I feel so overwhelmed by his love. I don't want it in this moment. I want to be left alone.
I know this is because we are getting closer to moving in together. For all my problems with my ex's I have to face to fact that I am the one who has always left. CIC does have some fears that I will do that just as I have fears about him cheating on me.
Is this just another attempt to try to cut my loses? To get out before shit gets even more serious and real? Maybe his marriage has been a safety net for me? Maybe if he was actually fully available to me it would freak me out. Maybe that's why I haven't said anything.
I know that going to Emirates would not not be great for our relationship yet I had the thought to do it today just to get it out; maybe have a Maks moment from Dancing with the Start and phone it in.
I give up. I walk away. At least I have in the past. That moment when Paul switches to the other chair is how I feel inside. I want to curl up. I don't think I want to try to shove my hand down my throat but I want the feeling of trying. I just don't want to be around CIC right now. Why? I guess I feel like I have to deal with him. That he will want something from me. In actuality I know the opposite is true. He asks nothing of me. Maybe I am thinking my love won't be good enough for him. Maybe I won't be able to entertain him (especially after having entertained folk all day).
I just feel sad right now and I don't know why. I feel like I have to call him because I should say good night. I just want to rest. I am so tired lately. My body doesn't seem to want to participate in some things. I am frustrated
And now that I have started to cry I wish I could be held by CIC. Hormones maybe. I want fresh air to breathe. Starting to feel that suffocating feeling. Now what?
Sometimes it's hard to drop your old habits. I have a habit of running away. I can't runaway from myself. He always makes me face myself.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Mommy Dearest: Happy Mother's Day
My relationship with my mother isn’t much of a relationship
at all. In fact, I don’t call my
family. I don’t visit them. I rarely know what’s going on. I wonder what they must think of this
wanderlust in me. I suppose most
families stay in one place and don’t move around. I mean, my entire family is still in Chicago
and right now they all live on the same block in Chicago. I have lived in several places and I now live
in Minneapolis.
I remember I couldn’t wait to go to college. I couldn’t wait
to get away. I remember missing the
holidays and the conveniences of my city but not my family. Why did I want to get away so badly? I wanted to have space. I wanted to be able to be myself (fine job at
that…). I suppose I felt like I couldn’t
do that in my house. I know that I
didn’t get a positive response from my family regarding my emotions but I am
kinda over at this point in my life. I
am more willing to be who I am and not conform.
This has taken years to come out but it’s here and now that it’s finally
here I think I should try to build some relationships with my siblings but most
importantly, my mother.
I have always had an interesting relationship with my
mother. I remember feeling like she was
the most perfect person in the world. I
remember wanting her to come home from work just so I could be around her. I knew she was tired but as I kid I didn’t
understand that. My mother is very
loving. I didn’t see her that way as a
child all the time. I spent a lot of
time with my grandparents because my mom worked a lot.
She danced on Saturdays.
I use to love to watch my mother dance and sing. That’s definitely where I get that from; she
was just so free and young. Sometimes in
my mind my mother will always be 27. I
know most people don’t remember their mom’s at such a young age but I have a
young mother. We are only 20 years
apart.
This blog seems all over the place right now but I am just
trying to get some stuff out.
I am currently nonreving back to Minnesota after a long
trip. The flight attendant working the
flight is a beautiful woman named Ilham.
She is perhaps one of the most adorable creatures I have ever met. She just has a good spirit. She is pregnant now and she was asking me
when (not if) I was going to have children.
(This has been a hot topic and it sounds like another blog) I told her I
don’t know if I want children anymore and the older I get the further I get
away from it. Eventually she asked me
how often do I talk to my mother and I said maybe once a month. She immediately responded, “that’s [the
reason] why.”
I had never thought for one second that my relationship with
my parents would affect my thoughts about having children. She then asked me, “what do you plan to do
with my mother when she gets old, put her in a nursing home?” I told her, NO! My mother would rather live
independently than be in a nursing home.
I told her that I would provide her with her own apartment or she would
live with me. I would never do that to
my mother. I am not judging people who
do. I know that some parents make the decision themselves to go to a nursing
home but that’s just not what we did in my family. I grew up in the house with my grandparents. My family has always been together and we
will always be together. It’s just not
what we do.
I think she figured I would say ye to putting my mother in a
home but I am not that cold. I do love
my mother and I am not sure I have shown her the love she has shown me. I appreciate everything. I appreciate every sacrifice and perhaps
seeing how much she struggled keeps me from children? I am not sure. I just never thought about it that way.
I should call her more.
I think that all the time. I know
she misses me. I am her Tracie
Baby. That’s what she use to call
me. I am not sure if I am feeling more
sentiment to her because I am older or because I understand more of what she
had to go through. I see the sacrifice
she made. I know that family is
important to her. My Chica is my mother
in a lot of ways and I didn’t understand how important my Chica’s family way to
her until I took her away from them for a couple of days. Even when my Chica isn’t showing it, just
like my mother, she loves her children.
She wouldn’t have had them if she didn’t love them.
In fact, my mother has such an interesting contract with all
her Sheep. I wonder why I spent so many
years away. I don’t necessarily feel
like I want to go back permanently. I just think I want to go back more
often. Now that I am more grounded, I
think I can handle it more. Ilham just
calls her dad to ask how he is doing. I
can’t think of the last time I called my mother to ask how she was doing.
I wonder what she thinks of me. I suppose on some levels it’s not
important. I feel bad for ever making
her think that what she has done for me wasn’t good enough. It must be hard for her to watch us fall some
times but she agreed to it. She has
given me so much freedom and I am so grateful for it.
So what now?
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
A painful manifestation...resistance is futile.
Well, I'm out of work again. This body at this time does not qualify to be in service as a flight attendant.
Currently I have been experiencing the following:
Debilitating Low Back Pain: Manifested on 4/15 around 1700 CT
I was sitting on my couch and when I went to get up my low back pulled me back down on the couch. I sat for some time and the pain got progressively worse. I have been going to the chiropractor, meditating, eating clean (about 80% of the time), applying ice, stretching, walking, taking pain medicine.
The chiro has been pretty helpful. Meditation has kept me grounded and connected (I think). I have been eating clean to hopefully give my body the nutritional assistance that it needs. That include trying to add kale (apparently amazing amounts of vitamin K and A, something Dr. E (my chiro) said that I need to combat my hormonal issues. I have been applying ice instead of heat so as not to aggravate any inflammation. I started doing some light stretching but no intense yoga. This body isn't ready. I can't walk for too long, I'd say maybe a third of a mile before it begin to hurt.
I was taking ibuprofen and my body has rejected it. On 4/21 The Fish came to see me and she had to take me to the ER. I was eating a wonderful dinner and all of a sudden my upper stomach started to hurt. This pain spread to my chest, jaws, shoulders, and right arm in a way that didn't feel like heartburn. After a trip to the ER it turns out it was kinda related to heartburn. I had been taking enough ibuprofen (1-3 600mg tablets a day) to cause these symptoms to come about. So I stopped taking the drugs. Just like my turbulence injury; no more numbing the issue. It's time to face it.
Vertigo: A re-manifestation on 4/22 during sex with CIC
Boy did I really want him. I had my worries about my back but I knew he was going to be gentle with me. Sex felt good. It was sexy and tender. Yes, I was slightly stressed but I didn't think I did it enough to cause vertigo. Why won't I connect with him? Why won't I just let go during sex? Too much in my mind and not in the now. I fear that after a while he won't want me because I can't perform sexually. I know this is not true.
Of course vertigo comes with nausea, extreme dizziness and an upset stomach. I have an exercise to do. I had a thought earlier that I should just let the vertigo come. Let it do it's thing. Get it all over with.
I just read this on the internet: We must treat it (our body) as a manifestation of God, meaning with respect, love, and care.
Do I respect, love, and care for my body? Yes. I feed it well for the most part. I have been listening to it now more than ever. Of course I care for it. More than I have ever cared for it before. I am respecting where it is and hoping it will be in a place of groundedness and strength and sexiness and love. I am doing this. This makes me cry and feel guilt. This is my issue with the spirituality aspect of it. My ego feels so bad so every little thing that seems to go wrong. But nothing it is wrong, right? It's a struggle. It's a painful struggle. I realize this about life. What could I let go of? Control. What could I find more space for? Surrender. There is somewhere I am supposed to go.
I think I am so scared. I am so scared. Who else knows what this feels like? Did any of the greats feel this way? Ghandi? King?
Another great question: What is going on inside of my consciousness that is prompting me to manifest a sick body?
That is probably one of the heaviest questions I have read in a long time. There is something right now that doesn't resonate with my being. Is it CIC? It never has been. Sometimes I wish it was. It would make things so much easier. Surrendering to our love has been an issue for me since the beginning. I will let that go. But why did the vertigo come on while we were having sex? I didn't trust him to be gentle with me. I didn't trust me to let myself enjoy it. I was stressed about not cumming and cumming. I am afraid that if I don't feel like having sex he will not want me. None of this is true.
I am in the middle of yoga teacher training. It's a tough year long process. I am afraid to teach. I know how great I will be at it. I don't say this pretentiously. I say it as an inner knowing. I just know I have to put in the work to learn which means "making mistakes" which is in quotation because nothing is a mistake. Everything is an opportunity to learn.
My own question: What am I learning about myself during this opportune time?
I fear looking weak to others. I fear letting others and myself down. I know that I have let myself down for a long time. Perfectionism is still there. I have not pursued my mission in some ways because I am waiting to be ready. How could I be more ready than right now? I am ready. I always have been.
Second internet question: What am I trying to tell myself?
Be literal and detach. How do I treat my symptoms? I need rest and relaxation. I need to have access to the outdoors and trees. I need to move my body gently. I need to release judgment about my body and the things it supposedly can and can't do. If nothing is impossible with God, why do you worry child? It's like I feel like I will lose myself if I don't worry. Is there a healthy way for me to worry? I don't think so. It hurts. Worrying never solved a problem. Maybe I should start asking myself what I can do to help and leave the rest to god. Wow. That makes me want to cry harder because it's like I am losing faith in his plan. Like I want shit to run on my clock. So many angels (angles). I need to let go.
And here I am wanting to fix it all so that I can move forward. Ready for more questions: How is this illness altering my life? What am I unable to do now hat I was doing before?
I can't perform the physical tasks needed to be a flight attendant. I am stuck on my couch and in bed most of the day. I can't do asanas. I can't non-rev. I've had a shit ton of time to reflect.
What am I having to do now that I was not doing before?
I have to be very gentle with my being. I have to have the help of those that love me. I have to communicate to people what is going on with me. I have to spend a lot of time thinking and just being without worry or obligation. I am having to say no to things I previously said yes to. I am faced with my body and to be honest I haven't said many loving things to it. This makes me feel gross because of the earlier statement to think of by body as the physical manifestation of god. I would never treat god this way.
In the end I should ask, what is it that my higher self would have me do?
Surrender. Trust. Have faith. Listen. Breathe. Let go. Realize my inner strength. Let go of the outer image of my body. Love more. Laugh. Cry
Currently I have been experiencing the following:
Debilitating Low Back Pain: Manifested on 4/15 around 1700 CT
I was sitting on my couch and when I went to get up my low back pulled me back down on the couch. I sat for some time and the pain got progressively worse. I have been going to the chiropractor, meditating, eating clean (about 80% of the time), applying ice, stretching, walking, taking pain medicine.
The chiro has been pretty helpful. Meditation has kept me grounded and connected (I think). I have been eating clean to hopefully give my body the nutritional assistance that it needs. That include trying to add kale (apparently amazing amounts of vitamin K and A, something Dr. E (my chiro) said that I need to combat my hormonal issues. I have been applying ice instead of heat so as not to aggravate any inflammation. I started doing some light stretching but no intense yoga. This body isn't ready. I can't walk for too long, I'd say maybe a third of a mile before it begin to hurt.
I was taking ibuprofen and my body has rejected it. On 4/21 The Fish came to see me and she had to take me to the ER. I was eating a wonderful dinner and all of a sudden my upper stomach started to hurt. This pain spread to my chest, jaws, shoulders, and right arm in a way that didn't feel like heartburn. After a trip to the ER it turns out it was kinda related to heartburn. I had been taking enough ibuprofen (1-3 600mg tablets a day) to cause these symptoms to come about. So I stopped taking the drugs. Just like my turbulence injury; no more numbing the issue. It's time to face it.
Vertigo: A re-manifestation on 4/22 during sex with CIC
Boy did I really want him. I had my worries about my back but I knew he was going to be gentle with me. Sex felt good. It was sexy and tender. Yes, I was slightly stressed but I didn't think I did it enough to cause vertigo. Why won't I connect with him? Why won't I just let go during sex? Too much in my mind and not in the now. I fear that after a while he won't want me because I can't perform sexually. I know this is not true.
Of course vertigo comes with nausea, extreme dizziness and an upset stomach. I have an exercise to do. I had a thought earlier that I should just let the vertigo come. Let it do it's thing. Get it all over with.
I just read this on the internet: We must treat it (our body) as a manifestation of God, meaning with respect, love, and care.
Do I respect, love, and care for my body? Yes. I feed it well for the most part. I have been listening to it now more than ever. Of course I care for it. More than I have ever cared for it before. I am respecting where it is and hoping it will be in a place of groundedness and strength and sexiness and love. I am doing this. This makes me cry and feel guilt. This is my issue with the spirituality aspect of it. My ego feels so bad so every little thing that seems to go wrong. But nothing it is wrong, right? It's a struggle. It's a painful struggle. I realize this about life. What could I let go of? Control. What could I find more space for? Surrender. There is somewhere I am supposed to go.
I think I am so scared. I am so scared. Who else knows what this feels like? Did any of the greats feel this way? Ghandi? King?
Another great question: What is going on inside of my consciousness that is prompting me to manifest a sick body?
That is probably one of the heaviest questions I have read in a long time. There is something right now that doesn't resonate with my being. Is it CIC? It never has been. Sometimes I wish it was. It would make things so much easier. Surrendering to our love has been an issue for me since the beginning. I will let that go. But why did the vertigo come on while we were having sex? I didn't trust him to be gentle with me. I didn't trust me to let myself enjoy it. I was stressed about not cumming and cumming. I am afraid that if I don't feel like having sex he will not want me. None of this is true.
I am in the middle of yoga teacher training. It's a tough year long process. I am afraid to teach. I know how great I will be at it. I don't say this pretentiously. I say it as an inner knowing. I just know I have to put in the work to learn which means "making mistakes" which is in quotation because nothing is a mistake. Everything is an opportunity to learn.
My own question: What am I learning about myself during this opportune time?
I fear looking weak to others. I fear letting others and myself down. I know that I have let myself down for a long time. Perfectionism is still there. I have not pursued my mission in some ways because I am waiting to be ready. How could I be more ready than right now? I am ready. I always have been.
Second internet question: What am I trying to tell myself?
Be literal and detach. How do I treat my symptoms? I need rest and relaxation. I need to have access to the outdoors and trees. I need to move my body gently. I need to release judgment about my body and the things it supposedly can and can't do. If nothing is impossible with God, why do you worry child? It's like I feel like I will lose myself if I don't worry. Is there a healthy way for me to worry? I don't think so. It hurts. Worrying never solved a problem. Maybe I should start asking myself what I can do to help and leave the rest to god. Wow. That makes me want to cry harder because it's like I am losing faith in his plan. Like I want shit to run on my clock. So many angels (angles). I need to let go.
And here I am wanting to fix it all so that I can move forward. Ready for more questions: How is this illness altering my life? What am I unable to do now hat I was doing before?
I can't perform the physical tasks needed to be a flight attendant. I am stuck on my couch and in bed most of the day. I can't do asanas. I can't non-rev. I've had a shit ton of time to reflect.
What am I having to do now that I was not doing before?
I have to be very gentle with my being. I have to have the help of those that love me. I have to communicate to people what is going on with me. I have to spend a lot of time thinking and just being without worry or obligation. I am having to say no to things I previously said yes to. I am faced with my body and to be honest I haven't said many loving things to it. This makes me feel gross because of the earlier statement to think of by body as the physical manifestation of god. I would never treat god this way.
In the end I should ask, what is it that my higher self would have me do?
Surrender. Trust. Have faith. Listen. Breathe. Let go. Realize my inner strength. Let go of the outer image of my body. Love more. Laugh. Cry
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