Another Dimension

I haven't gone into detail about what my sessions with MM have provided for me.  I haven't really written about my experience with the entire ESS program.  It has been very interesting and I hope to save some of the juice for my book.  Today I will write about my experience with meditation this morning and hopefully I can recall the events well.

I had interesting dreams last night.  In one dream I was getting my old job with Compass back...let's just call that a nightmare.  In another dream I was sexual partners with The Rock Dwayne Johnson and let's just say that's not the kind of brute sex I'd want on the regular.  In another dream I was imagining the Unicorn telling me about several job opportunities she had and well, another one popped up today.

I woke up knowing I had to get out some emotional energy.  I hadn't put my shield on in the past couple of days nor visited my special forest.  I know I would have to do that today.  I observed yesterday while editing my book for the 6th time that every time I read it I am taken back to my suicidal mind.  CIC noticed the same thing as well.  I felt like I needed to do some crying today.  As I was setting up for meditation CIC comes into the room and asks me if we could meditate together.  I have fantasized so much about us having a regular practice and well, it's coming to fruition.

I was looking forward to going into my place but I realized we needed to do this.  I was looking for my quartz crystal and this weird green stone that I have so I could make a crystal grid.  After I found them we started to meditate.  At first I had the grid only in front of me and then I moved it between the two of us.  The way our current meditation space is set up we have to sit adjacent to one another.  One day we will have a dedicated room for yoga!

So as we got situated I could feel the energy from the grid but also CIC fidgeting so I decided he needed a guided meditation today and that I would go into my bubble later.  I also benefited from this meditation.  I lead him through the 4, 4, 6, 2 meditation that JC taught me except so hero pose or arm movements.  CIC's practice will be very different form mine as his mental energy is vast and requires much concentration.  I will be interested to see what places he reveals in his mind as his practice deepens.

The meditation was great and right when I thought I would be able to start mine our Unicorn called us on FaceTime.  This beautiful soul!  We love her so much.  It was nice for us to talk with her this morning and she lifted our spirits.  I told CIC that I would need to go through a huge emotional meditation today and he was just so welcoming to that.  He would do anything for me.  After our meditation I had a feeling in the back of my neck.  MM says that's where the third eye chakra comes through.

I started to feel the tears coming and thought maybe I should do some EFT like JC taught me so I can process it.  CIC left the room and came back in while I was getting started.  I instinctively thought to keep this from him but when he came in it's like I realized EFT wasn't the tool for this today.

So I lied down, put my rose quartz on my chest, closed me eyes, and went up the stairs.  I did a little pranayama prior to that.  As I went up the stairs I saw the white light coming from above.  I stepped in it an immediately felt that all over me.  I then started to put on my shield going through each color of the chakras and also adding the pink light for the heart chakra.  When the golden shield of protection came on I was surrounded buy a bubble field of pink light.  I felt the love energy protecting me and I think that has been the key; love is the strongest energy in the universe.  Nothing can get in it's way.

I then called my bubble which likes to come out now to theme music.  It likes the song Jump in the Line by Happy Belafonte.  Now I dance with my bubble and it shakes up for clearing and preparation.  Before it was a very quiet experience and now it's quite ceremonial.  Today I shimmied into the bubble...never done that before.  It was fun.  When I got in I immediately exhaled and started clearing.  The music stops when I go in.  Since I had the rose quartz on my chest it started to clear as well but I felt so much energy in my hand while this was happening.  I bent my elbows and raised arms up.  I could feel a triangle of energy between both hands and the crystal.

This crystal was healing me.  I moved my hands over my face all the way down to my legs.  My right pelvis area was disturbed yesterday and I wanted to heal it.  Yesterday I felt the pain was just a reminder to clear up some things I had pushed back because it was overwhelming at the time.  This morning CIC and I thought that because I was drinking this new green juice formula that it was moving things that had been sitting in my intestines.

After doing this weird thing with my hands I thought I was going to go to my forest but instead I went to the beach to see myself the night I wanted to die.  Current me walked up to other me and took her hand. I felt how sad she was.  All of a sudden more versions of me, the real me, the this life me started to come from all directions on the beach.  All the way from new born baby Tracie to old lady awesome queen essence Tracie.  Some Tracie's were holding baby Tracie's and kid Tracie's were holding other Tracie's hands, running around, some crying, some kicking sand, some wanting to help beach suicidal Tracie.  That old Tracie is the shizpoo.  She smells so good, has awesome style, and her hair is life giving!  I can still smell her!

We all surrounded me on the beach.  Current me told beach Tracie to look around.  We are all here.  I am you now and well, whatever this was on the beach didn't kills us.  In fact, none of anything that has ever happened to us has killed us.  We have all of us to go through the trials.  Beach suicidal Tracie looked up Orion and wanted to go there so she hopped in the bubble and went. She could see all of us waving at her from the beach.  She was comforted by all this.  She came back to the beach and we all put our arms around each other and surrounded her in a huggle.  It's a huddle that's a hug.

I then took beach suicidal Tracie to the forest and all the other Tracie's came too. We all played in the spring river and waterfalls.  It was fun.  While all the Tracie's played in the water, I took the rose quartz to the lady in the cave.  She was fascinated with it but directed me to the catalog.  The catalog in a digital library of my other lives.  I went to the Tree and the tree wanted me to sit the rose quartz in front of it on the ground to lure our someone.  It was a fun bunny trap and we enjoyed it.  A couple people came out but the high priestess came out.  I wanted to ask her so much and my concentration became compromised.

I wanted to know about the book and why it had empty pages.  She handed the book to me only chest and I wrapped my arms around it.  I looked at the pages and they were blank and then another language was there.  I then saw I was wearing the rose quartz around my neck which made think of the other pendants.  I saw a weird cross like thing on her neck but more like an ankh except it wasn't an ankh.  There was a different language in the book and I called bullshit.  Then I remembered what MM said about how I will get information when I am ready and the priestess confirmed this.

I asked about a book of magic spells and she said that's a different book.  Blank pages exist for me to write on them.  Information will be there when I can read it.  I then showed her the stone and she lead me to the catalog and that golden white light being came toward me.  We put the crystal between us and put our hands in the air.  Integration was the word that came through.  I looked to my right and saw "future" Tracie with the stone she put in her heart.  I realized that all at once all those other Tracie's had integrated inside of me.  I was integrated and more and more information comes every day at a rate that is safe to process.

I understood it all up until that point.  There is so much more to learn.  I let the light being in me and felt it.  I took the book with me. All the Tracie's are inside of me.  I left my place after I enlarged my bubble to clear it all.  My bubble took me back to the dark room and well, we did our Shake Shake Shake Señora dance to clear.  As I was leaving I went to the stairs and I started counting from 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, and at 8 I realized I was not going down stairs but going up.  I looked down to my left and I could see the stair that lead out.  So what set of stairs were these. I walked back down those stairs.

After I integrated with Tracie and received the book I felt some fear leave me.  It was a strange feeling.  So normally when something new like this happens I get afraid of it and my mind loses concentration but not this time.  I had a genuine curiosity about what was up these stairs.  So I decided to go back up the stair and somehow I knew I was going to be here but not here.  It was another here.  As I reached the 10th step there was an opening.  Not a door per se but the same idea.  I opened my eyes and I could hear the blender in the kitchen.

I have watched life like a movie before but this felt different.  This felt like it wasn't mine.  I am not sure how to confirm it but I knew I was in a different dimension.  Very similar to this.  I knew CIC  was in the kitchen making a smoothie but I wondered who I would meet when I went outside.  None of this felt like my life as I know it.  My body even felt different.  I listened to the sounds as I lied there.  I took in the feeling and then I decided to close my eyes and go back to the dark place.  When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked up and saw others.

I immediately thought of the movie interstellar and wondered if my mind was only understanding things I was seeing this way because of what it had seen in that move OR if this was actually legit.  If it was actually what I was seeing.  I decided to go back down the only flight of stairs I had ever known up until that point and when I reached the bottom I was back to the reality that I know.  I could feel my body different.  I could feel CIC as I knew him.  It was all very strange.

My energy was spent and I sat up slowly getting my bearings. I had wondered about what I just saw.  I read a passage from my bible which is Soul Lessons & Soul Purpose by Sonia Choquette and took the lesson "appreciate for not dying" from it.  I have not really appreciated that I didn't die that day by the ocean or any day before or after that.  There was so much more for me to see and I dare that all that I saw in my vision today was there on the beach as well but I was so unaware that I couldn't feel it or see it.

I wrote about my meditation in my meditation journal and I always keep it brief.  While I was meditating someone was texting me.  I decided to look at my phone to read the messages and it was King Cole.  He sent me a youtube video of a song called Archie, Marry Me.  In this video  I saw the weird looking cross thing that the high priestess was wearing on the back of a tarot card or other deck.  The card was about the wheel of fortune.  The woman mentions being in a bubble with her lover and well, that happened in meditation, my lover being me.  Then the woman was on a  beach but in the day time, much like I was but at night.  Then there was another card.  It was the high priestess card from the deck.

I was not surprised that King Cole sent me all this because admittedly after most of the trips I take during meditation I doubt some for it.  King Cole always validates me.  I am not sure how we pick on up these things and on what level.  It's definitely not something I feel it's more of something I know.  I texted him about what I saw and he says for some reason he knew I needed to see the video.  After a trip to the bathroom to my morning poop I decided I wanted to see if I could connect with the rose quartz over my hand like a pendulum.

I was doubtful that it would move as I have seen it move for others but I kid you not that damn thing started to move in a circle all on it's own.  I then went to show CIC what I could do with the rose quartz just for more validation of what was happening and then I had him do it and though his wasn't as exaggerated as mine he experienced it to.  After all this I thought, I haven't had a session with MM this week but I need to tell her what happened.  That has been my day so far...

Failing Before Starting

Today I was supposed to take my driver's exam to get a license and I didm' get the chance to do so because I wasn't ready.  I didn't know where the emergency parking break was.  I didn't know how to hand signal.  I didn't know where the defroster was.  After all that he said the windshield wasn't acceptable for driving so I couldn't take the test today.  Talk about feeling defeating.  I thought I had done everything I could to take this fucking test and truthfully I was unprepared.  I didn't do enough to prepare for the exam.   Although I am getting a second chance the truth is I wouldn't have passed the test.  This is supposed to be an opportunity for me to start over and right now it fucking sucks.  This has triggered all sorts of shit.  I am supposed to be writing the third installment of my journey with suicide and I had every proof of the work I had been doing riding on this test.

Learning how to drive was giving me all sorts of confidence in my recovery and being told that all the work I have been doing has fallen short fucking sucks so much.  It hurts.  It's like in this world I will never be well enough for other people.  The interesting part is that I drove home from the place very well.  I don't know anything about cars.  CIC wanted me to read the manual of his car and I didn't do it.  Had I done it I would have known a little more about the car.  He tried to get to me to do and I didn't do it.  I am in such a pattern right now.  One thing goes "wrong" and my whole world falls apart.  Except nothing went wrong.  I have another opportunity to do this and I don't want to because I didn't do it the first time.

I felt all this coming.  I felt I wouldn't do well.  I tried to talk myself into working with this experience better since I knew it was coming but alas here I am.  I just want these feelings to move up and out of me.  I wasn't present.  I was anxious and here I am.

I didn't know this part of me was still in me but I guess it is.  I remember this part of me.  I learned about her when I was young.  Can I now show gratitude for the revealing?  Can I now move forward and leave this all in the past?  Boy was I fucking triggered today.  I want to get this over with.  If I get to take this test again today and fail it then it means I have not been deemed a safe driver.  It means I will have to do this over again and again until I get it.

That is the exact reason I wanted to die; having to do something again and again until you pass a test seems absolutely exhausting.   The work I've been doing with FMR is supposed to combat that.  I think I should call JC...

Suicide Ramblings

Just had a great weekend.  I had been planning a trip to Las Vegas as a surprise for CIC to go see Rush, his favorite band.  It has been really nice getting to know him in a different way.  Music, specifically Rush is such a huge part of his identity.

So much happening and not happening.  I am not working right now.  I feel guilty about it.  I am grateful to be in a situation where I don't have to work.  Part of me doesn't want to work.  I don't want to be back in the system.  It's almost as if I won't have a choice.  What can I choose?  In some ways I still don't want to be here.  I don't want to have to be alive.  I feel that emotion all over me and some days I am not certain it will ever go away.  Experiences have been nice but to be honest I don't give a fuck about experiencing life.  Even after all these great fucking moments, such as seeing Rush perform at what could very well be one of their last concerts, somehow I still don't give a fuck.  I'll do shit.  Go places.  Eat good food.  Laugh.  Cry.  Give thanks.  Meet cool people.  Find new music.  All of that I really don't give a shit about.

This isn't play for me, it's torture.  Why should I be forced to be here if I don't want to be here?  I don't care why I am needed/wanted.  I don't care what I am good for.  I don't care what I have to offer.  There are 8,000 other people out there with so much to offer.  This world will continue to rotate, thrive, and burn without me.  So a couple hundred people will be hurt when I am gone but the truth is they will all go on.  I feel I am doing this for them and not for me.  If I had to get what I wanted I'd be dead by now.  Dead and never to rise again.  I'm so over this shit.  I am over it and I am tired of going through all these motions to show everyone that I am doing everything I can do they can fucking sleep at night.

I don't want this anymore.  I don't want any of it...

I suppose if I had to live it would be in a quiet cottage in the middle of nowhere.  Trees and untreated grass.  A garden with chickens and cows.  A huge library of books.  Heh, sounds like I would live like a hobbit.  That's probably why I like them so much.  Just simplicity.

Gross Times in Jackson Hole & Being Black

I miss the incubator. This Jackson Hole place makes me feel weird. My face feels like it did when I wore those faux dreads: a heavy fake weight hiding what is really there for the purpose of seeming pleasing to the eyes of others.  I just observed Dickhead with his side chick at the airport.  It would seem the Unicorn was the real side chick and Dickhead actually was more smitten for this other woman who is basic. It actually made me question if my Unicorn is basic but she's not. She might've been in her former days but not anymore. 

I've cheated on most of my former lovers. I fell in love with other men while still attached to the one I was with in some physical way. I think that's the worse kinda betrayal; when your heart is with someone else and you are physically with another. That's what happened to my Unicorn. Yet as I stare at this woman I can't help but wonder if she has a magical vagina because head to head, Unicoen wins hands down. 

Part of me wishes I was on this Delta flight so I could continue to watch this freak show that is life a bit longer. I hope they live happily ever fucking after. No one in life gets to escape the energy they put into the world. I hope this passenger shows up that was missing. I hope this side chick gets taken off the plane. But she won't. I hate feeling controlled by feelings. I can only control my breath and even that is subconscious most of the time. 

I want to leave this place. This place feels awful. Absolutely awful. It's so deceiving because its aesthetically pleasing. It has so many wonderful elements yet ew. Why is that? I don't like it. I can't wait to leave this city.  I miss my incubator. I miss the sacred space created by my roommates. I miss my partner. This is the first trip I have taken away from him in a long time. I don't like it. It feels calming and safe around him. This place feels pressured and boiling over. 

My head and face feel awful. I hope I don't come back here anytime soon. Gross. 

Also, I hate being a novelty. There aren't many blacks (with Afros) here so I stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes white people finding themselves makes me angry inside. There are too many white folk here invested in whiteness. I am in a sea of it. It's been a long time since I've been to place where white folk feel the need to smile at you and appear overly friendly because I'm black. 

They stare at me. They stare at my hair. They smile at me when they get caught staring. Fuck off! I could never live in solace where my blackness was always on display. I have seen 3 black people here which is more than I saw the first time I visited Montana and SLC. One of them was big and loud...thanks dude. The other was cleaning the windows of the yoga studio. He stared at me. I bet he wondered who I was and how I got here. JHole is defiently a place where you can count the blacks on your hands. 

I saw a few mixed people too. I suppose they count but we don't have the same experience. There is a lady staring at me right now sitting across from me. Believe it or not, some white people go on vacation so that they don't have to see colored people. So when I show up they can't help but stare. Then, like this lady just did across from me, they look around at other whites as if to say, "look, a back person. Do you see her? Weird, right?"

I don't want to notice these things. In fact, I'd love to be wrong. Unfortunately being from Chicago I have grown up like this. My mom took us to places where there weren't just black people or we were the only ones. I know what it feels like to be so noticed, so exploited. I moved to the gate area and well, this dude is just staring. Just staring without caring that he is and he's not alone in the staring crowd. Sigh...

Unicorn said something interesting to me  yesterday. She said it's not just enough that you are black. She says it's even more of a novelty because I am pretty. I never thought about that element before but it definitely seems like it could be apart of it. 

Here's another cool fact. When white people feel like they're doing something cool and a black person is there, the coolness factor gets elevated and their ideals of how "open minded" they are about themselves gets validated: look, im at a place black people go. I have literally been places where people wanted to talk to me because I was black. Get the fuck outta here!!! 

Sigh...I actually for a moment wished I could blend in. I don't typically ever want to blend in to anything. I feel too unique for that. Yet for once I'd like to go to a place where, yes, maybe you don't see a lot of black there often, but it doesn't become a spectical, I don't become a spectical. It should be more like, "oh, a black person" and the you move on woth your life. You go about your business. You don't stare you don't ask strange questions. I bend in as another human being who so happens to be in the same place you are. That is all. 

When does my flight board because I can't wait to get out of here...

Just landed in SFO

So I did something bad today. Something dishonest that I am not sure how to tell my partner about. I violated his trust. I read his journal. He has been angry with me more than I had ever imagined. I want him to get it out. I don't want him to have resentment for me. I am still afraid of loving him after so many years. Showing him myself. 

How does he put up with me and my antics? I wish I loved myself the way he loves me. How he keeps coming back to me. How he stands still when I run in circles. How all he wants is to love me. I can't even see his face right now. I would feel ashamed. There were no secrets in his journal. He tells me everything. He just fell in love with me and he still is in love with me. Why does it hurt so badly?

I'm wonder how I will get over this period? I wonder when it will end? This feeling inside of my stomach. This ache in my heart. How could someone ache so much from being loved? CIC saved me. He saved me and I don't appreciate it for one minute. I don't feel I am worth such saving. Such love. Such sacrifice. 

I go through so many ups and downs. I don't want this life for him. He deserves to have someone to meet him needs, to compliment his freedom. He is so amazing. I feel like I am living for him and not for me. Not in some slave unhealthy way but in a way that I don't value myself enough to love for myself. The depression persists. 

San Pedro Nights: Shots Fired

My life has played out like a soap opera the past couple of days. I have had my next door neighbor from child hood out visiting me. He is psychic and very open to his spiritual gifts. It has been an enlightening few days but there was something developing that came to a head today.

I hope I have helped him release that energy. He has helped me to understand so much and I wanted the same for him yet when I approached him with feedback he wasn't receptive. He was defensive and that is his pattern. He's had to defend himself his whole life and I was under the illusion that he wouldn't feel he'd have to defend himself from me. 

He just dealt some heavy shit, we both did. He made one mistake though. He pissed CIC off. CIC, the guy everyone makes fun for the way he carries himself. CIC will not tolerate me being unsafe. Not on his watch.  I don't agree with CIC wanting him to leave. It's just a lesson for us to learn. In giving CIC his power however I want to do what he would have me do. 

I was rude to Lee because I was operating from a place of familial understanding. I had a conversation in my head and once again only let out the brunt end of it so we had a misunderstanding. He doesn't allow anyone a word in edge wise. I assumed he was ready for the feedback phase of of life and here we are. 

Lee listens well but... Yeah, that's his thing. He'll listen until he says the word "but" which most people generally knows completely negates the previous statement. He's still in the hear to respond phase of life which brought me back to mine.  After an aura energy cleansing he did the previous night in which I felt completely vulnerable afterwards he said to me "that was so hard to do. I didn't realize you were that thick. (Pause and silence) you looked really good in those leggings today. (Pause and silence). Would you like me to stay in the room with you?" Horrible timing and here we are. 

I feel bad about how it all went down and due to his extremism he wants to just cut me and my whole family off because he's embarrassed. As I type all this the soul lesson has become very apparent for me. I was his family. I represented everything his family was and Chicago and I stimulated all his triggers. I served him in this way so that he could decide who he is going to be now that he is in California. Reaching this conclusion has brought a peaceful energy over me. I am so grateful for the lesson coming in that way. 

He was gonna leave but then I heard what I thought was fireworks. When I opened the patio door for a closer listen it turned out to be gunfire. I was hearing most intense shoot out I had ever heard in my life. Worse than what I ever heard in Chicago. This was as Lee had feared. It aptly manifested as we too were having our own shoot out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable in him leaving in that. I hope he chose to stay. 

And now here I am. Partially afraid to sleep because he said he wouldn't be able to sleep. He's never had a female friend like me before and he didn't know how to respond. I saw the young man in him coming out and realized how far he has to go. I feel sad that he sees this as a connection lost. And at the same time my trust has been violated enough that I don't want to sleep. 

Funny how life mixes things up. 

It's been about a half hour since the gun fire and I have heard no sirens. I mean, someone must've died in all that gun fire. I haven't even heard any helicopters. Where exactly do I live? Is Lee afraid now? He keeps saying he's not afraid of anything. Admitting to fear doesn't mean that it will dictate your being. Fear doesn't go away. We no longer have to tell ourselves the lies from our childhood that helped us to sleep at night. 

A few things I can take in are demanding and dictating. That's how he described me. There is truth in that. I have the desire to control things. I have the ability to influence things. I want to make my mark. My mark could have been reception to Lee's healing but it got clouded by the dictator which I think needs a name.  I'll work on that. I have owned what he's said about me and I felt like he wasn't owning his own shit. It's like I wanted to see him doing the work like me. 

Some people are just transmitters. They are not receivers. I had it all misunderstood. I felt too friendly with him too quickly. Though we connect spiritually we don't connect personally. It's an interesting thing how we've served one another. I assumed he understood me but I was mislead by my own desires for spiritual community. I do hope he doesn't abandon my family because of this. 

He continues to let his past determine his walk, as do we all. Poor child. We are but children trying to do all this stuff. Trying to act like adults. He's done nothing that can't be processed and forgiven. His whole life has prepared him for what's coming. I was like the last boss before the final fighting level. The thing is that he doesn't have to fight anymore. I wish he saw that. Those gunshots meant he doesn't have to do the fighting. I hope he sees this. 

Edit:  As it turns out all that noise was definitely fireworks and now gun fire.  Guess Lee got one over on me again.  I no longer have him in my life and I haven't missed him to be honest.  Seasons change.

I'm not sure

What do I really know?  I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me.  I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it.  I don't want to move.  I want to lie still and do nothing.  I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass.  This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave.  I don't like to feel trapped.  My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom.  If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.

I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did.  That was cool.  What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in.  Once there was focus and now there is this.  There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills.  I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this?  I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons.  I became really good at it.  I don't care why they were teaching me to do it.  We don't give our brains much credit.  I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could.  Standby.

So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually.  I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place.  I missed the placing of z, v, and y.  Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out.  I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did.  Such is life.  I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not.  I am not an expert typist.  I am not an expert human.  I am not sure if I want to be.

I want to find a reason to live for myself.  I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself.  I should accept what is.  I should accept the way this world works.  Typing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want any of this still.  Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family.  Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening.  I still don't want to be here.  I might need to take some type of drug.  But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within.  In where?  In me?  Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking.  Am I just a tsunami that is swelling?  I am not sure.

Written 3.11.15

So it's been an interesting two days. Yesterday I had a mandatory meeting with Inflight because another FA complained about my behavior during a flight. I'm not really sure what Compass will do about it. I'm in limbo with them right now. Additionally I am dealing with some type of stomach virus. I've pooped everything out and threw everything up to the point where I can't even hold down water. I haven't eaten anything today and I am currently working a flight from DFW to LAX. I just told the pilots to send and ACARS that I will not be able to work my next flight to SFO. 

I really wanted to because I feel like it will be good to get away from CIC for a bit right now. He has been nursing me ever since I tried to kill myself and I'm over it. Maybe I'll feel better when we land but right now I am sucking on ice and it's making my stomach hurt again. That means no food or water. Wonder if I can do it? And if I am sick, does working mean I am choosing my job over my well being? 

In fact, I dare say this is what this sickness is all about. I just so happen to get sick a few hours after eating airplane food. The food literally made me sick to my stomach. Ingesting airline makes me sick to my stomach. I think it's time to bid this job adieu and I'm really confused about what I should be doing. I couldn't find my old school weight and balance forms and I told myself that when this forms run out then I'll walk away from CP. I'm sure there in my bag somewhere. 

If I could be doing anything in the world right now I would be teaching yoga classes a few times a day and traveling on CIC's benefits. I am not sure flying is for me anymore. I don't feel any joy with it. I don't want to be fired from CP but if it happened I am not sure it would be the worse thing in the world. I want to leave on my terms though. This job is making me sick. 

Uber happenings

So CIC isn't a fan of my bus life. It takes too long to get anywhere. I think what bugs him the most is that he lacks certain guarantees such as timelines, trust, and safety. It's an open environment and it's not his style. 

I've risen buses my whole life. It's no big deal to me but it is to him. Now that we live together he's running a campaign to get me off the bus. He's even set up an uber account to ensure I have transpiration that he can trust. I'm in an uber car right now and he's probably tracking me on the app...

I'm grateful he set up uber for me but I wanted to take the bus home because it's cheaper even though it would've taken me a long time to get home. I felt obligated to take uber to make him happy and I am blogging about it because I just had a feeling with CIC I've never had before. 

It's that classic despair I use to experience with Cookie and Devin. Just sad about the situation. I felt like I was being controlled and told what to do. I felt like I was being denied my freedom. I mean, it's really not that serious. It's just a car ride. Maybe it's because he's paying for it. I feel like a child who can't be trusted to take care of herself. 

I loathed him in that moment. I've never felt that way about him...which why I know it wasn't about him. It was about the feelings the situation was giving me which leads me to believe I never felt that way about my exes, just the situation. When I felt the feeling before I arranged the uber ride, I wanted to cry. I seriously started to tear up at the thought of having to use the service. I felt defeated. 

I felt like a burden. I felt like I needed a hand out. Because I had those feelings I made myself order the car in order to get pass them. I know what happens when you let those feelings fester. My independence is important to me. CIC just loves me and feels inclined to keep me safe. And as ly naked in bed warm and quiet I realize that's all CIC wanted. 

 

I'll still have to find a different way to address this uber thing. In the mean time, I'm home. Good night! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It's the Fall!

Fall is my favorite season for many reasons.  I'm not going to get too poetic or overtly metaphysical about why I love the Fall. I will just state briefly that I love the ending of things that are necessary for a new beginning. Fall is a great time to let shit go and move on! Below I will list 4 other reasons why the Fall is the best time of the year!

1. The weather is perfect! 

I love a nice chili days and nights that allows you to cuddle under quilts or afghans and drink tea, hot chocolate, or coffee with baileys! I like to wear jackets, sweaters, and boots. I love the cloudy skies, the rain, the keeping the windows open to feel the cool air. 

2. The trees are so beautiful! 

Spring time is my second favorite season but it pales in comparison to the colors of the fall leaves. Varieties of red, yellow, brown, orange, and green are in abundance and the changes are subtle and abrupt. I love the noise of the leaves as the wind dances with trees. It's so picturesque when the leaves fall to the ground. I love walking, running, stomping, and rolling in piles and piles of leaves on the ground. I love the smell of the leaves and earth mixed together. I love it when I see a leaf that I'm drawn to so much that I pick it up and take it with me. I love this dying. I love this stillness. 

3. Fall has the best holidays!

Seriously, Halloween, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and are the best holidays! Um, I get to get free candy if I dress up in a costume? Sign me up every time! 

I love horror movies, zombie flicks in particular. I love haunted houses and sensible gore. Now, sensible gore sounds like and oxymoron but some movies like Saw in my opinion have gore all wrong. I grew up with a healthy thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks, spending time with family, and eating as much soul food I could fit in my belly that night. Politics aside, in my house, Thanksgiving the best holiday of the year. Labor Day is a great way to recognize the professions that keep the world turning and it's also a great way to get out of school and BBQ! 

4. School starts again after summer break. 

I love school. I always have and it's the reason why I came to earth; I love learning. Learning is the reason we all have come here but I know for me that being a student and teacher in life has been a passion of mine since I was 3. And while most kids I knew dreaded the end of the summer, I was super excited...most years :-P 

Living in Los Angeles has definitely made me long for my favorite season even more. Lucky for me, in my job I can always visit the places that have the best Fall seasons. I'm heading to PDX tonight for Halloween with my babe! I'm going as Melandre from Game of Thrones. Hope you enjoy your Halloween! Just remember, the night is dark and full of terror... Bwahahahaha

Making Decisions and Choices (in my Jill Scott voice)

So much to do. I am near the end of my first yoga teacher training and I was so happy to get to the end but now that I'm here I see there is no end to this. What is god's plan for me? What have we co-conspired for me in this lifetime? I have so many choices to make and I have been dreading making them. I just read something in autobiography of a yogi that might be helpful. When you completely devote your life to god and his work then everything will work out. The power of the universe will move through you and for you. 

I recently thought that I had to make choices about certain things in my life more specifically my career. There are management opportunities at my airline. There are presidential opportunities within AFA. I just finished yoga teacher training and could begin to pursue my yoga career. I could leave all of my responsibilities within AFA and CP and just fly. I could quit my FA job and fall into yoga. I could do yoga and fly. You see my issue here?

I want to make a pro and con list to really sort through these different paths. For right now I'm not doing a good job at being present at work as I just landed in LAX and we're waiting for a gate. To be continued...

Into the Abyss

Here I go again. It's been a long time since I've had such a set back. It truly felt like it came out of nowhere. This time I don't like the way I've made people feel. I don't like the way I've felt. 

I get so deep into this sadness. As I become more open, more aware, I see all the subtleties of it yet I don't feel closer to figuring it out. 

I want the music to stop in my head. I want will power and concentration. My mind is weak and there is too much fear. I say this not to manifest it but to acknowledge what it is. 

There is a party of me that wonders if I will continue to slip into this dark places or the black hole as the Unicorn has dubbed it. I wonder if this is my life. 

  

I don't want to put CIC through this for years and I bet I probably made some promise in these blogs not to do this to him again. Yet here I am. I wonder if this space will get me to stay. If this is just a reaction to too much interaction. Yet yoga is teaching me to respond rather than react. 

I'm not sure. I always handle this so internally. I suppose I don't think anyone will understand. That they won't just let me be. They love me and they don't want to see me hurting. It feels like sadness. 

Wonder if forgiveness will always be there. Be healed. 

Wanderer

Maybe I'm meant to roam. When I want something don't I always want it? Let's think of things I wanted at some point in time but didn't want anymore. 

My ex. 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Insert shit in the middle and then boom, I'm done. 

Pork Chops

I really use to love pork chops. Maybe I still do but I don't eat them anymore. 

Chocolate Milk

I drank it for the first few years of grade school and the I just couldn't stand it anymore. 

Marrying Cookie

I wanted to get married to him and there was some initial excitement. All the while there was this sneaky feeling of not really wanting to be married. We all know how that ended. 

Going to California

I swear if one more person asks me if I am excited then I'm going to lose my shit. I finally analyzed why that is:  I'm not excited. In fact, I've dreaded the work that will go into it and I'm hoping that once I'm there something will change in me. The truth is I'm in the same place I was with my marriage. I'm just going through the motions to get things done and in the moment nothing, not even CIC excites me about California. 

Inflight Delights

Right now as I write I am sitting in my jump seat. I obviously can't post this while working so I'll upload it later. It's been a busy day. Started it off by thanking god for my waking.  I then had to poop which turned out to be the first one of two. I then ran about .5 of the .7 miles to the chiropractor for an 0800 appointment. Emily says I did something to by back, my neck was out if sorts, and my sacrum was out of place. She fixed me though. 

I walked from there to trader joes, just about less than a mile. I made an appointment to pick up some boxes for my move next month and bought food for my trip. I went back home to cook and get ready for work. I had grapes and a piece of toast for breakfast. Then I had to poop again. 

The Fish picked me up today.  I bought her flowers from TJs because our mutual best friend told me she was pregnant but he wasn't supposed to tell me. I am soooo happy for her to have this. God is good. She was picking me up to be my union rep during my investigatory meeting. I called in sick three times in the last 12 months of work so I'm due for a "check in/lecture". It was painful and pleasant. Just covered what's written in our work policy (a sucky policy if you ask me). 

I had a to do a line check today for a flight attendant returning to work. Our flight was delayed an hour due to maintenance. I forgot my paperwork so I went back to the crew room to grab it.  My FA to check is from England. She is a sweet woman and the check went well. There was a South African man on the flight who was fond of me. I thought he was just being social but maybe he thought I was hot. The next flight there was also a man who thought I was so beautiful. It was pretty cool. A good feel good moment. 

My hearts started to feel weird earlier and I know it's time to get it checked out. Maybe my blood pressure is high. I'm note sure. Maybe I'm having panic attacks. I don't know. 

The turbulence today is little to be desired. Wasn't able to do full service on my flight. Just offered water and pretzels. 

NEWS FLASH!!

As I was typing this the captain came on the PA and said that instead of heading to MDW we are turning back around to MSP. Pretty sure the passengers thought that was great news. It's just been that kinda busy crazy day for me. 

I'm not sure how the night will end at this point. I think my body, mind, and spirit are yearning for a less eventful life. Something simple where I can ease into the day, run or do yoga, have fruit for breakfast, teach an few yoga classes, have a big lunch and a nap afterwards, do some soul lesson therapy, have a delicious dinner, end the night with a book, movie, or crocheting, and then sleep (maybe get some loving at the end from CIC). 

I think that's the life I want. Obviously that includes travel, singing, dancing, trees, french fries, writing, occasional family visits, fun hair, being held, hugs and kisses, cuddling, great sex, pizza nights, art, Spanish, laughter, crying, and of course learning. 

I wonder when we'll land. This flight went from one hour to two and counting. Sigh...

Look in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane...no, it's another soul lesson!!!

I didn't go to my mother's house.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to be with CIC.  I had a great time with him.  His energy is so good for me.  Even when I want to push him away his energy evens me out. I want to get use to him being around.

Another issue came up with an apartment lease, this time with my sister.  I sublet an apartment with my sister in Chicago and we followed all the proper procedures.  At some point after the lease was over, my sister stopped paying the rent and now this company is trying to get the money from me.  They have no case, just like that other situation (where my ex boyfriend forged my signature on an apartment lease and didn't pay the rent).  I just want it to be over and done with quickly.  I want justice to be served.  That place had shitty management and now the owner is trying to squeeze something out of me.  The messed up part is that they don't have any paperwork.  None.

I'm going to Bali in December on a spiritual retreat with my mentor Mastin.  I haven't spoken to him in a few years.  He got so busy and well, so did I.  I am excited to finally meet him and have him tell me about myself.  And well, I'd be delighted to tell him about himself too.  This trip is costing around $10,000 but I am not attached to that price. I know this is where I am supposed to be and that god will work it all out.

I am moving to Los Angeles next month.  I am scared.  Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited.  I wouldn't describe this as excitement.  I am moving in with two people that I love but it still bothers me.  There is so much that still needs to be taken care of.  I need to change addresses in so many places.  Better make that list.  Why do I move around so much?

I barely made it out of MCI today in time for my yoga class but I did. I asked god to help me out and he did.  I made a decision to be here.  I am seeing the ability to create become stronger the more I stay focused on what's in front of me.  I have this foolish idea that there won't be any hurdles in the way and  no one to speak against me and try to taint my name as I become famous.  What a silly child I am!  I have to be careful about my circle.  I have to make sure I do everything on the up and up.  My hard work and integrity are going to propel me toward my dreams.  I have to keep god close.  This is my mission and his will.

Soul lessons can be exhausting. It truly is a helpful mentality and blessing to be able to see everything as a soul lesson but damn, lately soul lessons are falling from the sky and I am overwhelmed.  I know this is all preparation, just like Sparkles said.  Everything that I am going through now is preparing me for something.  That's the way it's always been in my life and I suppose in everyone else's lives.  If we just sit back and observe it all we can learn from it, apply it, and release it.

Choosing Not To Be There

Today is my mother's 50th birthday and I am at an airport right now choosing to go see my boyfriend instead of my mother.

I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.

Why am I going to see my boyfriend?

I miss him.  I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.

Why am I not going to see my mother?

The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is.  For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs.  One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction.  In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call.  I think my mother is more important to me than my job.  Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.

Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her.  It's her birthday.  That would mean so much to her.  She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.

I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?

It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them.  I don't miss my mother.  I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.

Where is the line?  Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family!  That makes it ok, right?

Well, I don't think it's alright for me.  I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me.  I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs.  It pisses me off that they choose to live this way.  It doesn't bother them.  Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out.  I've been there before.

I am not judging them.  Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad.  This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it.  I know all they will see is that I am not there.  All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there.  It hurts.  I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.

I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there.  I did bring the bug spray.  I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day.  CIC will understand.  But those damn bugs make me sick...

Lessons from my Grandmother

Yep.  My grandmother died a couple weeks ago.  Somehow its still doesn't seem real.  It hasn't registered.  I will miss her.  Her lessons.  Her Love.  Her rolling eyes.  Her delicious food (we all know no one cooks like grandma).  She died so suddenly.  It wasn't expected, at least not for us.  I have a feeling though that she knew and that she will reincarnate.

On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking.  She said she was going to the rest room  and she never came out.  My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer.  He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor.  My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use.  Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body.  I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.

I hadn't seen my grandmother in months.  All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me.  I was kinda jealous about that.  I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her.  I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her.  Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago.  It was a letter thanking her for all she had done.  It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his  blessings in her life.

My grandmother had a full life.  She lived long enough to see her great grand children.  She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money.  So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance.  I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it.  I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.

Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.

Sit up straight

My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us.  I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck.  We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.

Speak Up!

My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit.  She also didn't like slang language.  We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house.  Yeah was also not very popular.  We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking.  You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation.  We also addressed all adults by miss or mister.  She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words.  She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.

Trust in God

Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever.  Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade.  Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again.  My grandmother always said to trust in god.  He will work things out.  I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight.  I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the  middle of the mess.  I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work.  Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up.  True faith.

I'm too old for a boyfriend

This was one of her last lessons to me.  I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him.  She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right.  I am too old for a boyfriend.  That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner.  He is my partner.  The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now.  I wish she could have met him.

Family is Important

Until she died she did what she could for her family.  Am I doing all that I can?  I am not sure what my family wants me to do.  I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it.  I always thought she would just be there and she is not.  That hurts.  This is how I have set up my relationship with my family.  I don't see them and they don't see me.  I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost.  I am having a hard time just being present there.

Don't be scared of it

Excuse my raining face.  This one just brought up a lot of emotions.  These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad.  Boy did I love her potato salad!  So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it.  She made it with her bare hands.  She just mixed the ingredients together that way.  I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it."  She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed.  How else would I know that it was mixed well?  It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.

And in this way my grandmother has come back to me.  She kisses my mother.  She protects my sister.  And for me?  Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life.  Do I want a kiss?  Of course!  Do I want a light touch or a shadow?  Yes!  And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her.  I want blatancy.  That's who I operate, right?

Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.

These lessons and many more are her legacy for me.  Now it must incubate.  Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch?  How do I get off this couch?

Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.

The Sky Is Grey...I'll be safe at home

I am not California dreaming at this point.  California is like the bane of my being in this moment.  CIC is in Cali.  He left me for Cali.   He doesn't like Minnesota.  But I'm in Minnesota.  I didn't get the looks on people's faces when I would tell them he went Cali because he hates the snow.  In the back of their minds they were wondering why he would leave me here and how we would make this work.  For me, it's not working right now in this moment.

Maybe it never was working.  Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it.  That hurts.  This hurts.  When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me.  They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!"  Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer.  This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.

He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days.  That hasn't happened.  And now he has off days and it hasn't happened.  I do more. I do more.  I always do more and I am tired of doing more.  I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore.  I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.

Talk about repeating patterns.  It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum.  I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up.  He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home.   I don't feel like LAX is my home.  What is there for me?  Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.

I don't want any expectations.  I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX.  Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it.  I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.

I feel exhausted lately.  My heart beats strangely.  I don't know what's going on with me.  I just want to lie down for a very long time.  I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me.  I am setting all this up myself.  I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.

I don't have a space there.

Runaway

There's a scene in the Knocked Up that I can identify with...well, let's be honest, maybe not just one.  It's the moment when Paul Rudd's character is in the hotel room in Vegas and asks Seth Rogan's character, "you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?"  He later confesses that the biggest problem in his marriage is that his wife wants him around all the time and it upsets him.  Seth Rogan's character then asks him, "you can't believe people love you?"  He then goes on to rip apart Paul's character and Paul just falls apart in the chair.

As I was watching this movie it suddenly wasn't funny anymore.  I know what that feeling feels like.  To not want to be loved.  To not want to be around people and to feel a sense of panic around it.  I have felt this before and I am feeling it now. I want to runaway from CIC again.  Why do I keep getting this feeling?  I feel so overwhelmed by his love.  I don't want it in this moment.  I want to be left alone.

I know this is because we are getting closer to moving in together.  For all my problems with my ex's I have to face to fact that I am the one who has always left.  CIC does have some fears that I will do that just as I have fears about him cheating on me.

Is this just another attempt to try to cut my loses?  To get out before shit gets even more serious and real?  Maybe his marriage has been a safety net for me? Maybe if he was actually fully available to me it would freak me out.  Maybe that's why I haven't said anything.

I know that going to Emirates would not not be great for our relationship yet I had the thought to do it today just to get it out; maybe have a Maks moment from Dancing with the Start and phone it in.

I give up.  I walk away.  At least I have in the past.  That moment when Paul switches to the other chair is how I feel inside.  I want to curl up.  I don't think I want to try to shove my hand down my throat but I want the feeling of trying.  I just don't want to be around CIC right now.  Why?  I guess I feel like I have to deal with him.  That he will want something from me.  In actuality I know the opposite is true.  He asks nothing of me.  Maybe I am thinking my love won't be good enough for him.  Maybe I won't be able to entertain him (especially after having entertained folk all day).

I just feel sad right now and I don't know why.  I feel like I have to call him because I should say good night.  I just want to rest. I am so tired lately.  My body doesn't seem to want to participate in some things.  I am frustrated

And now that I have started to cry I wish I could be held by CIC.  Hormones maybe.  I want fresh air to breathe.  Starting to feel that suffocating feeling.  Now what?

Sometimes it's hard to drop your old habits.  I have a habit of running away.  I can't runaway from myself.  He always makes me face myself.

Mommy Dearest: Happy Mother's Day

My relationship with my mother isn’t much of a relationship at all.  In fact, I don’t call my family.  I don’t visit them.  I rarely know what’s going on.  I wonder what they must think of this wanderlust in me.  I suppose most families stay in one place and don’t move around.  I mean, my entire family is still in Chicago and right now they all live on the same block in Chicago.  I have lived in several places and I now live in Minneapolis. 

I remember I couldn’t wait to go to college. I couldn’t wait to get away.  I remember missing the holidays and the conveniences of my city but not my family.  Why did I want to get away so badly?  I wanted to have space.  I wanted to be able to be myself (fine job at that…).  I suppose I felt like I couldn’t do that in my house.  I know that I didn’t get a positive response from my family regarding my emotions but I am kinda over at this point in my life.  I am more willing to be who I am and not conform.  This has taken years to come out but it’s here and now that it’s finally here I think I should try to build some relationships with my siblings but most importantly, my mother.

I have always had an interesting relationship with my mother.  I remember feeling like she was the most perfect person in the world.  I remember wanting her to come home from work just so I could be around her.  I knew she was tired but as I kid I didn’t understand that.  My mother is very loving.  I didn’t see her that way as a child all the time.  I spent a lot of time with my grandparents because my mom worked a lot. 

She danced on Saturdays.  I use to love to watch my mother dance and sing.  That’s definitely where I get that from; she was just so free and young.  Sometimes in my mind my mother will always be 27.  I know most people don’t remember their mom’s at such a young age but I have a young mother.  We are only 20 years apart. 

This blog seems all over the place right now but I am just trying to get some stuff out.

I am currently nonreving back to Minnesota after a long trip.  The flight attendant working the flight is a beautiful woman named Ilham.  She is perhaps one of the most adorable creatures I have ever met.  She just has a good spirit.  She is pregnant now and she was asking me when (not if) I was going to have children.  (This has been a hot topic and it sounds like another blog) I told her I don’t know if I want children anymore and the older I get the further I get away from it.  Eventually she asked me how often do I talk to my mother and I said maybe once a month.  She immediately responded, “that’s [the reason] why.” 

I had never thought for one second that my relationship with my parents would affect my thoughts about having children.  She then asked me, “what do you plan to do with my mother when she gets old, put her in a nursing home?”  I told her, NO! My mother would rather live independently than be in a nursing home.  I told her that I would provide her with her own apartment or she would live with me.  I would never do that to my mother.  I am not judging people who do. I know that some parents make the decision themselves to go to a nursing home but that’s just not what we did in my family.  I grew up in the house with my grandparents.  My family has always been together and we will always be together.  It’s just not what we do. 

I think she figured I would say ye to putting my mother in a home but I am not that cold.  I do love my mother and I am not sure I have shown her the love she has shown me.  I appreciate everything.  I appreciate every sacrifice and perhaps seeing how much she struggled keeps me from children?  I am not sure.  I just never thought about it that way. 

I should call her more.  I think that all the time.  I know she misses me.  I am her Tracie Baby.  That’s what she use to call me.  I am not sure if I am feeling more sentiment to her because I am older or because I understand more of what she had to go through.  I see the sacrifice she made.  I know that family is important to her.  My Chica is my mother in a lot of ways and I didn’t understand how important my Chica’s family way to her until I took her away from them for a couple of days.   Even when my Chica isn’t showing it, just like my mother, she loves her children.  She wouldn’t have had them if she didn’t love them.

In fact, my mother has such an interesting contract with all her Sheep.  I wonder why I spent so many years away.  I don’t necessarily feel like I want to go back permanently. I just think I want to go back more often.  Now that I am more grounded, I think I can handle it more.  Ilham just calls her dad to ask how he is doing.  I can’t think of the last time I called my mother to ask how she was doing.

I wonder what she thinks of me.  I suppose on some levels it’s not important.  I feel bad for ever making her think that what she has done for me wasn’t good enough.  It must be hard for her to watch us fall some times but she agreed to it.  She has given me so much freedom and I am so grateful for it. 

So what now?